My Head Is Fucked Up

Intention of the day: Don't beat yourself up. Morning writing: This lesson wasn't the best. I don't think it was explained or written well. I think it's just saying not to beat yourself up for beating yourself up. Meaning, if you make a mistake and you say, "Oh you idiot! Why did you make that choice??" that's the initial condemnation. Then you feel bad for condemning yourself. Soo... I'm supposed to just not be mad about any of that. I just have to be nice to myself. I've already been doing that a little, as my focus has been to bring awareness to my extreme emotions and try to reign them in. Yesterday I was thinking about something that was making me feel emotional and my eyes teared up. I thought to myself, "Cut the shit." Then I thought that this was harsh and thought something more like, "Just stop doing this" and used a mellower tone on myself. I'm sure that this is the goal of today's lesson, so I'll just ke...

Intention of the day: Continue to practice deep breathing meditation. It makes me feel good! Morning writing: Yay I like when I get a lesson and it's something I already do! As a vocalist, I've been trained to be aware of my breath from a young age. I know how to fill my lungs deeply instead of taking shallow breaths. In my meditations, I usually go into a deep breathing pattern once I am completely relaxed. Sometimes it brings on waves of euphoria, I swear! This is also why oxygen masks drop from the ceiling in a plane crash, and why oxygen bars are a thing. Maybe I should go to one sometime. Tarot Reading: V The Hierophant (religion, group identification, conformity, tradition, beliefs) II The High Priestess (intuition, higher powers, mystery, subconscious mind) XVII The Star (hope, spirituality, renewal, inspiration, serenity) I was distracted watching morning news while I shuffled, and my spirit guides sent a nice clear message to keep working on my inner light an...

Intention of the day: Be aware of when my protective fear is rising up and causing me to act a certain way. It's mostly in my head and there is nothing to fear. Morning writing: I believe this marks the half way point through the Rituals for Transformation book! Today's lesson is a continuation from yesterday, continuing to stress to be aware of when I'm in this self-protective-fear-mode and try to get myself out of it by remembering that this is mostly made up in my brain and not real. The lesson mentioned at the bottom that there is a Love Warrior within me, fighting to shed light and love onto my negative emotions. I like this imagery. For me, I plan to use this in my meditation - as I fill myself with light, I am the Love Warrior. It's like the terracotta warriors from China, except golden and filled with inner light and love. This should work well! Tarot Reading: IV The Emperor (authority, father figure, structure, solid foundation) XX Judgement (judgement, ...

Intention of the day: Fears from past instances hinders my light and limits myself. Free my heart from fear that prevents me from living fully. Morning writing: I totally have this problem. I have a lot of 'trust issues' and 'abandonment issues' due to events that happened in my past. As the lesson states, I definitely search for red flags that might indicate that this will happen to me again. And as I know from my life... this causes problems. In dating, many guys have told me to trust them and not assume that they are like the last guy. But it's very hard to fight the fear for self-preservation. However, its obvious that this type of fear can stop me from being my full self. It certainly played a part in my relationship with my ex falling apart. This is something I need to be more aware of, because if I can identify this reaction in the moment, maybe I can stop the cycle from happening. I need to reprogram my brain to not go straight to fear when faced with some...

Intention of the day: Remember that I am love and I am loved! Morning writing: I have been meditating this morning and filled my body with inner light. And then I read my lesson for today and it's a nice positive reminder that I am worthy of love and being loved. I admittedly have a narcissist streak so I don't know if I would say I lack self love... I'm just also really good at bullying myself. I suppose that means I should focus on the self loving and not the self bullying! I think I'm making decent progress. Tarot Past/Present/Future: XX Judgement (judgement, rebirth, inner calling, absolution) VII The Chariot (control, willpower, victory, assertion, determination) XII The Hanged Man (suspension, restriction, letting go, sacrifice) My reading is a little confusing today. I said that I was going to focus on being a nerd and playing Dungeons and Dragons with my friends today. I thought maybe my spirit guides were saying that I had been judgmental about this n...

Intention of the day: If I feel sad, don't make it worse by beating myself up and saying that something is wrong with me. Morning writing: I have mixed feelings about this lesson. Partly, it's easy. When I'm crying, I agree that it has a therapeutic effect. I tend not to stifle my tears and let them flow instead. However, a lot of the time if I'm merely sad, I'll beat myself up. And now that I'm thinking about it, I tend to beat myself up until I cry - and then I have the therapeutic effect I just mentioned. Hmm. That kind of seems like I'm subconsciously escalating an issue to a point where I cry, so that I can feel better. What if I didn't have to take it to that next level? What if I nip it in the bud and work on my sadness before it turns into a waterworks show? This is something that I need to focus my intention on for a while. Tarot Past/Present/Future: XXI The World (completion, integration, accomplishment, travel) XV The Devil (bondage, ad...

Intention of the day: All humans are made of the same inner light, whether they see it or not. If I am worthy of something, then so is the rest of the human race. Morning writing: We are all made of the same stuff. Just because I might think my moral compass is better than someone else's, does not make it so. Everyone is living their own journey, has different priorities and experiences. While some of the more horrible things are pretty unforgivable, day to day indiscretions aren't as bad as I make them seem in my head. I can forgive my brothers and sisters for not being the best humans. If I tried to say that another person is not worthy of forgiveness, I am negating the fact that they too have an inner light, and that would be untrue. This is not an easy lesson and must be something I practice regularly. But while it seems like a challenge, it's really quite simple. We're all human and we all deserve goodness in some way. Tarot Past/Present/Future: XVII The Star...

Intention of the day: The self-righteous anger path leads to anxiety and friendship issues. Be aware of when this anger is rising and definitely try not to deflect anger onto others. Morning writing: This lesson makes me feel slightly guilty for my behavior towards my ex, because I know I've been lashing out at him due to anger. I should be more angry with myself for expecting a different outcome with that kid. But today, I must feel my anger and really think about it's roots. Doing this will allow me to fully process the emotion, forgive myself, and move forward. So I'm angry that the relationship (that never really existed) didn't work out. I'm angry that I had put faith in someone who warned me not to do so. I'm angry that I was living for an idealistic version of a person, and he can't live up to these idealistic expectations. Nobody can. For me to get angry every time someone doesn't meet my personal standards is a waste of my energy. Rather than ...

Intention of the day: While it's important to have high standards, there is no reason to resent those who do not make the cut. Morning writing: This is an interesting lesson. At first I was like, oh this is just a repeat about resentment! But then I started thinking about how I was arguing with my ex last night because while he says he wants to 'stay friends' he really just wants to be my herb dealer. I said I have high standards for my friends, they need to give a shit about me and want to hang out with me, aside from making fucking money off of me. And then we proceeded to argue about how he's a piece of shit (his words, not mine). But this lesson today is important. Sure, that jerk isn't good enough to be in my life anymore, this is clear. However, the lesson is to not RESENT him. Not hate him and hold a grudge. All that negativity will just cloud my mind, add anxiety and alter the truth. I know he's not an evil person at heart, he's just not good at be...

Intention of the day: Feel the beautiful power of the universe by having a conscious connection with nature Morning writing: I love these lessons about nature. As a Taurus, I am an earth sign and throughout my life I have felt a deep appreciation of wild nature. I might be a shut in a lot of the time, but few things are more peaceful and zen than listening to the sound of rainfall or the early morning songs of birds in the trees. I enjoy breathing it in, but today's lesson reinforces that I need to try to feel this even when I'm in a more unnatural setting. Feel the connection with the earth and mother nature. I am a beautiful and unique creature, and as much of a part of the animal kingdom as my amazing kitty. I feel like a lot of these principles have been covered in Pocahontas lol! This time the Colors of the Wind comes to mind. Tarot Past/Present/Future: II The High Priestess (intuition, higher powers, mystery, subconscious mind) IX The Hermit (soul searching...

Intention of the day: Know that I can handle whatever life throws at me. Evening reflections & gratitude: I am thankful to be feeling at peace right now. Today's lesson was empowering and I had a nice meditation afterwards. I know I can handle the ups and downs of life. I have all of the tools for success within me. I am trying very hard to focus on my inner self and a reaching a higher source. I know it all sounds like new-agey bullshit but when you really focus on meditating, it feels real. Like I really can attain that goal with practice and discipline. That's a good word - discipline. That's something I don't have a lot of, usually. But this morning I did my tarot reading and asked again, I shouldn't date anyone, right? I should just avoid dating? My feelings were confirmed - I'm a fun, bright spirit, until I focus on men... then I am filled with anxiety. I need to adjust my focus. I don't need a man to handle life's challenges. I am perfectly ...

Intention of the day: Don't beat myself up over short-comings. And if I feel weak, know that my spirit will always have strength within if I only reach for it. Morning writing: It's hard for me to forgive myself when I don't live up to my expectations. I have high expectations for everyone, and I'm probably hardest on myself. I need to remember that mistakes and dumb choices are bound to happen and I need to forgive myself more. Rather than punish myself and hide in my room, I should dig deep and find strength from within. Tarot Past/Present/Future: VI The Lovers (love, union, relationships, values alignment, choices) II The High Priestess (intuition, higher powers, mystery, subconscious mind) XIV Temperance (balance, moderation, temperance, purpose, meaning) Last night I was drunk on the LIRR and kind of snapped out at my ex over text. But I don't regret it. I said what I needed to say and I think that it's healthy for me to get things off my chest in...

Intention of the day: Pick your battles, don't make things harder than they have to be. Morning writing: I like when lessons make me think of a song. Today's lesson made me think of a song from Pocahontas - "Just Around the Riverbend." Technically the message of that song is not necessarily to choose the smoothest course, but to follow your heart. And while I'm sure the author of these lessons would agree, this lesson is specifically about trying not to obstruct the flow of life. Feel the current and quit trying to swim upstream. Essentially, I really should work on picking my battles. I love confrontation for some reason, and usually start arguments and it gets me in trouble. There is zero point to this behavior! Tarot Past/Present/Future: XVI The Tower (disaster, upheaval, sudden change, revelation) VIII Strength (strength, courage, patience, control, compassion) X Wheel of Fortune (good luck, karma, life cycles, destiny, turning point) I asked if I sh...

Intention of the day: Your attitude will affect your perspective - keep it positive and you will be too. Morning writing: This lesson is kind of tough. It is kind of telling me to view the world through rose-colored glasses. I appreciate the idea but some things cannot be 'perfect.' Today is the one month anniversary of the Parkland shooting. There is nothing 'perfect' about young people being murdered by automatic weapons. The only thing I can think of that somehow explains this horrific behavior is by remembering that we are all animals, and one of the human race's natural predators is other humans. We aren't antelopes at the watering hole running from a lion. We are confused and complicated apes with serious anxiety issues. The only thing perfect about this is the general imperfection of animal life. I guess that is a perfectly natural thing. But it sucks when it results in violence and the loss of innocent life. Just like it sucks to watch that antelope sc...

Intention of the day: Stop avoiding problems - deal with them. Morning writing: I'm taking another snow day. Today's lesson is a reminder that if I don't deal with a problem, it still exists. Only by handling a situation, by facing what I resist, will I begin to handle it. Hiding from a problem will only add to my anxiety and the issue will persist regardless. While I'm home today I should take the time to follow up on a few things I've been avoiding. Tarot Past/Present/Future: XVIII The Moon (illusion, fear, anxiety, insecurity, subconscious) VI The Lovers (love, union, relationships, values alignment, choices) 0 The Fool (beginnings, innocence, spontaneity, a free spirit) I think my tarot deck is more obsessed with my love life that I am. I had asked about my doctor's appointment tomorrow. But apparently my deck wants to talk about my anxiety about relationships, as always lol. I'm trying to not focus on that, and to be like the fool. Not make it...

Intention of the day: Forgive myself, today and everyday. Mistakes will always be made, that's how life works. No more beating myself up for it. Morning writing: I've always thought of myself as a self-sabotager. I obviously never do it intentionally, but it seems to happen a lot. I don't pick my battles when I'm in a relationship, and find myself in trouble a lot. I could have gone to a cheaper state school and saved myself thousands in student loans. There are plenty of things I could (and maybe should) have done differently each day. But that's how life works I suppose. There's no point in berating myself over every little thing. Spend that energy on something that will benefit my life instead. Tarot Past/Present/Future: IV The Emperor (authority figure, father figure, structure, solid foundation) XIX The Sun (fun, warmth, success, positivity, vitality) VII The Chariot (control, willpower, victory, assertion, determination) I simply begged for hope ...

Intention of the day: Resistance is part of an inner dialog and its probably untrue or exaggerated in your mind. Its not worth it - let it go. Afternoon writing: I took a couple days off. I sort of think I predicted my downfall on Thursday - I pulled the Tower card in my tarot reading, which is not a good sign. In my previous entry I predicted that I shouldn't go to work. But I did anyway. Then I slipped on the ice and fractured my elbow. Indeed I did not go to work; I spent the day in the emergency room. I didn't know who to ask, so my ex actually was a good guy and picked me up from the hospital, which was very nice of him. But I must maintain it as a friendship and nothing more. Unless he wants the kind of relationship that I want, he cannot be the kind of partner that I need. So I'm trying to not let dating be a priority right now, especially since I'm now in a splint and a sling and my life is in upheaval! I will continue to work on my inner self and focus on hea...

Intention of the day: Channel the energy of the universe using meditation and deep breathing techniques. Morning writing: I also intend to actually get out of the house and go to work today! I'm still a little sick but I can't stand being cooped up for another day. It affects my meditation a little, I had to do some mouth breathing, which isn't as good. Meditation feels so good, and now that I'm thinking about channeling energy as I meditate, it definitely releases some kind of feel-good effects. However, the key is to remember to do this when I'm feeling anxiety. It is much harder to concentrate and focus on meditation when my mind is racing bc I'm upset. But practice makes it easier, so I must be aware of when this is happening and use these techniques to get back on track. The journey continues! Tarot Past/Present/Future: II The High Priestess (intuition, higher powers, mystery, subconscious mind) III The Empress (fertility, femininity, beauty, nature,...

Intention of the day: Everything contains light and energy. Channel it, receive it and it will flow through me. Morning writing: If you think about it, everything in the universe is composed of millions of atoms that are moving infinitely fast at all times. That's energy. It's happening in every object, from living beings to an old soup can. So energy is everywhere. You can sense it and channel it if you can tune into the right frequency! I must meditate more on this so that I can breathe in the energy of the universe. Tarot Past/Present/Future: XIII Death (endings, beginnings, change, transformation, transition) VI The Lovers (love, union, relationships, values alignment, choices) IX The Hermit (soul searching, introspection, being alone, inner guidance) As I pulled my Lisa Frank Major Arcana deck off the shelf, I asked my spirit guides, "I should probably just not date anybody for a while, right?" My reading interpretation: Yep.

Intention of the day: Let go of resistance. Stop bottling it up inside. Morning writing: The lesson said to meditate on what I was resisting and see what my mind came up with. I had already meditated earlier (I woke up really early and I wasn't feeling well so I meditated to calm myself) so it was easy to get back to that relaxed state. The first thing that came to mind that I was resisting was taking responsibility for myself. I'm so quick to blame others for the state of my life. I shift the responsibility to others and play a victim. After all, I still live at home. I jump from relationship to relationship instead of working on my independent self. And nobody said that I have to become truly independent overnight, but I shouldn't get depressed and anxious over my life situations when I'm deferring the blame to someone else. If I own my responsibility I'll feel better about myself. Tarot Past/Present/Future: VI The Lovers (love, union, relationships, values ...

Intention of the day: Just like money, my energy and attention are limited - so be more aware of how I'm spending it. Morning writing: I've been thinking a lot about how to save a bit more money, and over the weekend I was reviewing my expenses from last month. It's easy to forget how easily I can spend money on things without thinking it through. But my energy is just as limited as my income, and so is my overall attention. Where am I spending these things? Is it beneficial to me? Will it make me happier or a better person? Or is it a time/money waster? I need to consider these topics as I go through my day. I should not spend my time or energy on people who do not do the same for me. I should spend my time on doing good work, reading, and doing things that will make me feel better as a person. Tarot Past/Present/Future: IV The Emperor (authority, father figure, structure, solid foundation) XVIII The Moon (illusion, fear, anxiety, insecurity, subconscious) XIX The ...

Intention of the day: Continue to be aware of the tightness of resistance. Focus on feeling it and then letting it go with an exhale. Morning writing: I kind of feel like this is the same lesson three days in a row but I guess certain topics really have to be drilled into you. I know exactly what the feeling is - it's a tightness in my chest, right around where my heart is. I know this b/c I've been feeling lonely and sad and this is where I feel the resistance. It hurts in a non-painful way. It's hard for me to make it go away. Today I plan to go for a long walk and maybe go to the movies by myself. I don't want to stay alone in my room. I've been feeling regret for breaking up w/the ex. The new guy is not around anymore. Now I just feel like I have nobody and it sucks. But I need to be strong and remember that I cannot rely on other people to make me feel happy. I need to find happiness within. Tarot Past/Present/Future: II The High Priestess (intuition, h...

Intention of the day: Know that resisting certain people and aspects of life will prevent me from living fully. Evening reflection: Continuing the lessons about resistance, which I think are pretty similar to the ones about not harboring resentment... I will not refuse any part of my reality. If something is negative, so be it. Avoiding it or pretending that it isn't happening won't change anything. In fact it'll just make me more anxious or depressed. I must face my issues face on and let them happen instead of avoiding things. This is something I don't have much problem with!! I rarely shy away from confrontation. Tarot Past/Present/Future: XVII The Star (hope, spirituality, renewal, inspiration, serenity) VIII Strength (strength, courage, patience, control, compassion) VI The Lovers (love, union, relationships, values alignment, choices) My work with self love has really been enlightening so far. My spirit guides acknowledge this with the Star, and remind m...

Intention of the day: Do not hold back from my feelings. Suppressing something negative will not make it go away. Morning writing: This is a toughie. It's very hard to not push certain feelings away when you don't like how it makes you feel. But today's lesson emphasizes the importance of letting every feeling pass through you. I believe this one might take some time for me but I will keep it in mind to feeling every feeling. It's like the episode of Lost when Jack tells the story about making a mistake during a surgery. He was so afraid, and he let the fear take over... for 10 seconds. He didn't block it out, he felt the complete fear of the situation pass through him. After counting to ten, he took a deep breath and was able to focus on the task and complete the operation. Yes, I realize this is fiction but still. I think the lesson is the same. Tarot Past/Present/Future: VI The Lovers (love, union, relationships, values alignment, choices) VIII Strength (s...

Intention of the day: Recognize that tightening clench in my chest when I face a form of resistance. Know that it is part of being human and perfectly natural. Morning writing: Everyone faces resistance. Resistance can be something literal or a feeling or reaction. But the feeling is the same - a tightening in my chest. A dropping feeling in my heart. The Dementors come to antagonize my spirit. Today's lesson was only to recognize this feeling as it happens. I can feel it pretty much on cue. I predict that there will be more work on the concept coming up in the future. Tarot Past/Present/Future: VII Strength (strength, courage, patience, control, compassion) I The Magician (power, skill, concentration, action, resourcefulness) XIV Temperance (balance, moderation, patience, purpose, meaning)