My Head Is Fucked Up

Intention of the day: Appreciate the real value in the things you love today Morning writing: Except... money? lol but seriously, this lesson's value is good too! The true merit and value in a person, place or thing is the experience shared. Maybe it was only temporary, or a fleeting moment... but it happened to me and it was special. Appreciating the experience is the true value in life. But this makes me sad for those with memory loss or alzheimers... where is their joy in life without their rich moments of memory? Tarot Reading: VI Swords (regretful but necessary transition, rite of passage) Another tarot card telling me that I am on my way towards the right path. (Why am I stalked by Swords?) I am heading away from turmoil and towards calmer waters. This has not been easy and my spirit guides recognize this. But I think they also recognize that I am growing into a more mature person.

Intention of the day: Don't be rigid - keep your mind and your heart open Morning writing: As I suspected, now we are delving deeper into the receiving concept. But I don't really think the author is explaining it well. I think she's trying to say that we must be open minded and keep a space open in our hearts for something new (feelings, ideas, people, anything?) at all times. I like to think that this is part of my personality naturally, but I understand the need to not fall back into old patterns. I find myself starting to do this as the guy I went out with on Monday has been distant and I want to text him and confront him about this... but I'm trying to fight the urge. Be open to receiving. He's got his reasons that are valid I'm sure. I need to let go, let him come to me, focus on doing MY thing and not dudes. It's hard! I like dudes!! lol Tarot Card: IX The Hermit (soul searching, introspection, being alone, inner guidance) As if to reiterate w...

Intention of the day: Choose happiness over being right. Choose Spirit over ego. Morning writing: Yep... I definitely have this problem. I'm stubborn and I definitely prefer being right, and letting people know why they are wrong. But this lesson helps me to see why this is negative behavior, and unhealthy for my highest good. For years I have put my own ego at the top, and it has brought me nothing but toxic relationships and unhappiness. What I've been doing isn't working, so it's time for a new approach. I will add "choose happiness" to my affirmations for meditation. This is another lesson I will have to practice. Who knew that happiness and forgiveness would be such a challenge? lol Tarot Card: VIII Strength (strength, courage, patience, control, compassion) VII The Chariot (control, willpower, victory, assertion, determination) I asked if today is okay to try and reach out to the guy I went on a date with... two months ago. I'm nervous...

Intention of the day: It's time to let go of the grudges from childhood Morning writing: I was actually thinking about this topic of this lesson the other day when I was thinking about forgiveness. I had some 'bff's in high school that betrayed me and I went through a very hard time and have had trust issues with women for many years as a result. But I'm still 'friends on facebook' with these people even though we are not friends. It's time to just let go of the grudge and move along. What does it matter? The past can't be undone, and I learned what I learned from it... some of the trust issues I have to un-learn but that's an experience too. "How much longer am I going to pollute myself with this grievance?" is asked in today's lesson. I think that's a good reason to let go of childhood grudges. The resentment is negativity that I don't want. I'm running late so I will have to meditate on this on my train ride. Tarot Re...

Intention of the day: Meditate on releasing my need to be in control. Trust that things will all be taken care of by the Universe. Morning writing: I had a nice long meditation in my morning routine today. It's Friday and my boss is out for a vacay so if I'm a little late it's not a big deal. Besides, things will all be taken care of by the Universe! I have had control issues for a while. Insecurity makes you want to try to control everything that you can, as a defense mechanism. You think that if you control how people act or where they go, then they will act and do whatever you want and you will not get hurt. This is unhealthy and simply not possible. I can't control anything except for myself, my actions, and my reactions. My relationship with my ex was toxic because I wanted to control him. I wanted him to be the perfect version of himself that was inside my head. But that person isn't real and the real guy didn't want to be that perfect self, for whatever...

Intention of the day: Feel no guilt over dumb social media indiscretions. Stop doing it and move on. Morning writing: This lesson makes me think about my recent decision to quit Facebook. I have had nothing but negative energy and anxiety from that site since 2016. I would get into arguments with friends. I would troll right wing nuts on political and news pages. I would pick fights with random dudes in the hockey group that I was in. While getting notifications made me feel important and getting into arguments sometimes felt exhilarating... I realized that this site was sucking the life out of me. Antagonizing strangers online does nothing for me. Comparing my life to those of my friends who are happily married, have a house, cute kids, etc. does nothing for me. Reading about the latest fucked up news story and then the wacko right-wing bullshit comments that come attached does nothing for me. So I made the decision to stop using the site. I didn't delete my account but I delete...

Intention of the day: LOL you do you booboo Morning writing: This lesson is like a day off. This is something I definitely already do. I'm a gamer, I'm a bit of a jokester... I goof off a lot. I might play too much, tbh. But if the book says I should play then maybe I'm doing something right. I'm always like a kid at heart. I haven't aged since 16, in many ways. Lots of people tell me that they think it's great how I go to lots of events and do activities. I guess that is me making sure there is time for PLAY! Tarot Reading: VI The Lovers (love, union, relationships, values alignment, choices) XV The Devil (bondage, addiction, sexuality, materialism) II The High Priestess (intuition, higher powers, mystery, subconscious mind) Who's grandma took over as my spirit guide?? I don't really know what to make of this. If I go with a past/present/future, then it's just saying that while I wanted a relationship and I'm certainly horny enough at p...

Intention of the day: The self-righteous anger path leads to anxiety and friendship issues. Be aware of when this anger is rising and definitely try not to deflect anger onto others. Morning writing: This lesson makes me feel slightly guilty for my behavior towards my ex, because I know I've been lashing out at him due to anger. I should be more angry with myself for expecting a different outcome with that kid. But today, I must feel my anger and really think about it's roots. Doing this will allow me to fully process the emotion, forgive myself, and move forward. So I'm angry that the relationship (that never really existed) didn't work out. I'm angry that I had put faith in someone who warned me not to do so. I'm angry that I was living for an idealistic version of a person, and he can't live up to these idealistic expectations. Nobody can. For me to get angry every time someone doesn't meet my personal standards is a waste of my energy. Rather than ...

Intention of the day: Pick your battles, don't make things harder than they have to be. Morning writing: I like when lessons make me think of a song. Today's lesson made me think of a song from Pocahontas - "Just Around the Riverbend." Technically the message of that song is not necessarily to choose the smoothest course, but to follow your heart. And while I'm sure the author of these lessons would agree, this lesson is specifically about trying not to obstruct the flow of life. Feel the current and quit trying to swim upstream. Essentially, I really should work on picking my battles. I love confrontation for some reason, and usually start arguments and it gets me in trouble. There is zero point to this behavior! Tarot Past/Present/Future: XVI The Tower (disaster, upheaval, sudden change, revelation) VIII Strength (strength, courage, patience, control, compassion) X Wheel of Fortune (good luck, karma, life cycles, destiny, turning point) I asked if I sh...

Intention of the day: Stop avoiding problems - deal with them. Morning writing: I'm taking another snow day. Today's lesson is a reminder that if I don't deal with a problem, it still exists. Only by handling a situation, by facing what I resist, will I begin to handle it. Hiding from a problem will only add to my anxiety and the issue will persist regardless. While I'm home today I should take the time to follow up on a few things I've been avoiding. Tarot Past/Present/Future: XVIII The Moon (illusion, fear, anxiety, insecurity, subconscious) VI The Lovers (love, union, relationships, values alignment, choices) 0 The Fool (beginnings, innocence, spontaneity, a free spirit) I think my tarot deck is more obsessed with my love life that I am. I had asked about my doctor's appointment tomorrow. But apparently my deck wants to talk about my anxiety about relationships, as always lol. I'm trying to not focus on that, and to be like the fool. Not make it...

Intention of the day: Forgive myself, today and everyday. Mistakes will always be made, that's how life works. No more beating myself up for it. Morning writing: I've always thought of myself as a self-sabotager. I obviously never do it intentionally, but it seems to happen a lot. I don't pick my battles when I'm in a relationship, and find myself in trouble a lot. I could have gone to a cheaper state school and saved myself thousands in student loans. There are plenty of things I could (and maybe should) have done differently each day. But that's how life works I suppose. There's no point in berating myself over every little thing. Spend that energy on something that will benefit my life instead. Tarot Past/Present/Future: IV The Emperor (authority figure, father figure, structure, solid foundation) XIX The Sun (fun, warmth, success, positivity, vitality) VII The Chariot (control, willpower, victory, assertion, determination) I simply begged for hope ...

Intention of the day: Do not hold back from my feelings. Suppressing something negative will not make it go away. Morning writing: This is a toughie. It's very hard to not push certain feelings away when you don't like how it makes you feel. But today's lesson emphasizes the importance of letting every feeling pass through you. I believe this one might take some time for me but I will keep it in mind to feeling every feeling. It's like the episode of Lost when Jack tells the story about making a mistake during a surgery. He was so afraid, and he let the fear take over... for 10 seconds. He didn't block it out, he felt the complete fear of the situation pass through him. After counting to ten, he took a deep breath and was able to focus on the task and complete the operation. Yes, I realize this is fiction but still. I think the lesson is the same. Tarot Past/Present/Future: VI The Lovers (love, union, relationships, values alignment, choices) VIII Strength (s...

Intention for the day: Change the present and future with the light of forgiveness! Morning writing: Today's lesson was pretty deep! It was an interesting take on how forgiveness affects the universe around me. Think about it... if you are holding onto a grudge from the past, it will affect your opinions and decision making today and in the future. By letting go of that grudge or resentment, you are changing the present and future, because they are no longer controlled by that negativity. You fill the space that was once The Grudge. Ahhh that movie! Now I have an image to associate with this negative feeling. (I'll use the American version, because I thought the JP version was well done and scary af.) Now whenever I feel that anger of resentment creeping up, I'll think of the grudge girl crab walking down the stairs all backwardsy and ridiculous, so I can get out of that negativity spiral. It's like the Riddikulus spell in Harry Potter! Wow I'm strong with th...

Intention of the day: Remember that if I feel resentment coming up, I must simply remember that forgiveness is an ongoing state of mind. It must be practiced daily. Morning writing: This is a good concept, because sometimes you can fall into old patterns. When that happens, I have to focus on forgiving, rather than beating myself up for getting back into bad habits. Transformation is not an overnight activity and I will make mistakes. What is important is recognizing when they are happening and doing what I can to change them or prevent them from happening again. It's kind of like when you're on a diet. If you have a slip up and eat chocolate all day, there is no point in beating yourself up... just get back at it tomorrow. I can forgive myself for forgetting to forgive! After all, I'm a Taurus. This wont be easy but as long as the effort is there, I have no anxiety about it. Tarot card of the day: The Lovers VI (love, union, relationships, values alignment, choices)

Intention of the day: Be open minded; don't let past experiences dictate my reactions to new situations. Morning writing: Today is the first weekend day that I didn't skip my Morning Ritual. I really must stay dedicated and do this every day, and stop taking the weekends off. (Unless I happen to not be home. That's fair, right? I can't be expected to carry this book with me wherever I go lol!) This lesson is a continuation from yesterday's, which again is completely against the grain for my Taurus self. However, it's important and I definitely understand why. I often build walls to protect myself from getting hurt, but this limits my experiences and what I'm willing to try or do. In order to truly live in the moment and be free, I have let go of my grudges and negative opinions that poison my mind. I like to think about this like a photo mosaic. If one small part of the image has a picture of someone you don't like, are you going to dismiss the e...

Intention of the day: Speak and text with words that represent my Highest Self and my truest intentions. Morning writing: It is easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment and use words that are harsh or convey a feeling that you did not truly intend. This is damaging to my self and the people around me, and it is essential to be more thoughtful about which words are being used. Especially when I'm writing online or sending a text, I must proof-read and make sure the messages I'm sending are using the proper tonality. Tarot card of the day: The Lovers (love, union, relationships, values alignment, choices)

Intention of the day: This is my usual mode of operation. I don't make promises that I don't intend to keep... at least with other people. So I must focus more on following through with promises I make to myself. Morning writing: I have definitely broken promises in my life. But when it comes to breaking promises with other people, I have to have a good reason or I'll be filled with guilt. However, I make plenty of promises and agreements with my inner self that get broken all the time. My planner is filled with repeated goals that I still haven't gotten around to, like getting new running shoes so I can start working out again. I need to prioritize myself and my promises to myself over everyone else. If I don't keep promises to myself I can't trust myself, and that will cause anxiety. This is how we learn! I spent a good part of my morning reading The Gifts of Imperfection: Your Guide to a Wholehearted Life. I read it about half way so far and I like the me...

Intention of the day: Use your words thoughtfully. Words can cut deeper than a knife. Don't let the negative words of others affect you. Morning writing: This is something I think about a lot. Not necessarily how MY words are affecting others, but how I should not judge people based solely on what they say. I know firsthand how people can deflect a negative emotion onto someone else - my mom used to do this all the time. It's not okay to do this, but it's important to be aware when it is happening. If I am cognizant of a negative feeling "being taken out on me" then it doesn't affect me in the same negative way. However, since I have admitted that my mom has done this frequently, then it's very likely that I learned this behavior. It's very likely that I'm doing it too. So I must be even more careful to be aware of when I might be taking my emotions out on someone else. I must be careful when I choose my words and speak intentionally. Tarot car...

Intention of the day: Concentrate on the eating experience. Do not snack mindlessly. Count your chews. Morning writing: I literally said "oooh" when I read the lesson today. I had expected to stay on the mental awareness path (it'll probably come back) and didn't expect to go in this direction. This is a lesson I've sort of heard before, but I like how in Ritual for Transformation the act of eating is described as, "you simultaneously nourish your body and reaffirm your unity with the natural world that birthed you and sustains you." I really like that. As a Taurus, I am an earth sign and I really do feel a deep connection with the planet. I will meditate on this and try to focus on really appreciating each bite... Now I'm hungry!

Intention of the day: Despite how it may self-sabotage me constantly, I must forgive my mind. Feeling anything other than love and forgiveness is a waste of energy - negativity is not needed within me. Morning writing: These lessons about anxiety are coming at the perfect time, since I'm about to get my period. My PMDD is always horrible starting in week 3 and usually climaxes with me raging about something a day or two before my period... and then I get my period and I'm back to a normal human. But I digress... so yesterday I was a prime example of what not to do. I think that since I have been more cognizant of my mind's reactionary tendencies, I was able to keep my cool better than I normally would have. When I was talking to the boy yesterday he didn't want to do the thing that I wanted to do. I was disappointed but I didn't flip out. I said I would do the thing on my own. Unfortunately, he was more used to me flipping out about this sort of thing and reacted ...