My Head Is Fucked Up

All week I really was doing well. I was staying positive and keeping busy, trying not to think about my ex. There's even a man that I met at a networking event who seems pretty interested in going on a date. But I'm not sure how ready I am for any of that right now! Because on Friday I had a "relapse" moment of weakness and texted my ex and told him I was thinking about him. He indicated that he was thinking about me too... which started me on a downward spiral of begging and shame. I regret sinking to that low. I guess since I was really not listening to him he started using harsh words and I felt very hurt. We had another huge text message argument. He obviously doesn't want to get back together again. I can't believe I thought he would change. I think I assumed that he had the same feelings as me when we got back together the second time. He knew I was in love with him, why would you start dating someone AGAIN if you didn't share those feelings? Why...

Forcing myself to check in and post something at least once a day. I didn't hear back from the inquiry I sent to ICP over the weekend. Maybe I should just call them. I want to get this therapy thing going. Today I went back to work so I didn't spend the day in bed feeling sorry for myself. Unfortunately since that's what I did yesterday, my back was aching due to inertia. I need to stop doing that. If I don't move around my spinal injury acts up - this always happens. When will I learn? I need to commit harder to exercise every day. Despite the pain I went to work, normal routine. I missed my ex and we texted briefly. I still think we should get back together. I don't think mental illness is a good reason to break up. But my dependency issues need to be addressed. I'm trying to figure it out. He's staying in touch which is nice. I'm trying to remind myself that there's a possibility that he won't be back. Sigh... But that shouldn't matt...

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-13698/10-habits-of-emotionally-resilient-people.html Blogger's Note: I got this list from the above website. But I'm going to copy it here so I can read it more easily and try to remember these things because they really hit home for me. Here are ten things that emotionally resilient people do when faced with a difficult situation: 1. Wait for what's right instead of acting on what you want right now. Yup, just like the classic  Stanford marshmallow experiment , this is about impulse control — the ability to stop and consider whether you want to act on a desire. For example, when a family member makes you angry, your immediate response might be to lash out. However, impulse control allows you to pause and assess whether that's really the best course of action in the long run. Delaying gratification and controlling our urges allows us to choose actions that align with our best intentions. 2. Sit with discomfort. Similar to the ...

I made this blog because I think I need to... I wanted to make it anonymous but I don't know how and maybe I should stop being so worried about hiding my mental illness. Problem is I don't know what it is. OK that's definitely not the only problem. I have a lot of problems. I don't know how to deal with them, and I don't currently have health insurance anyway. My boyfriend broke up with me yesterday. We had started dating around my birthday, when we got back together after having broken up last July. Apparently we only last 3 months in the spring and then he dumps me in July. It's literally the same exact thing that happened last year. I don't know why I expected a different outcome, but I'm in love with him and you do really stupid shit when you're in love. He said that he needed to leave because of mental illness. He too has some sort of personality disorder, and we fought constantly. We fought to the point of crying most of the time. I always ...