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Rough Weekend

All week I really was doing well. I was staying positive and keeping busy, trying not to think about my ex. There's even a man that I met at a networking event who seems pretty interested in going on a date. But I'm not sure how ready I am for any of that right now! Because on Friday I had a "relapse" moment of weakness and texted my ex and told him I was thinking about him. He indicated that he was thinking about me too... which started me on a downward spiral of begging and shame. I regret sinking to that low.

I guess since I was really not listening to him he started using harsh words and I felt very hurt. We had another huge text message argument. He obviously doesn't want to get back together again. I can't believe I thought he would change. I think I assumed that he had the same feelings as me when we got back together the second time. He knew I was in love with him, why would you start dating someone AGAIN if you didn't share those feelings? Why would you do that to someone? But this is how I realize how immature he really is and how wrong he is for me.

I saw my friend from my old job and she gave me a little pep talk. I need to really try harder to be my own #1 cheerleader. Instead of negative thoughts I need to come up with my own mantra to keep me going. So far I've been counting to five when I feel like I'm going to cry. It usually calms me and allows me to focus on something else, clearing my head. Reducing the rage. If I can remember to count to five, I can remember a mantra. I have to figure out something better than, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh-darnit, people like me."

After hanging out with my friend, I decided to block my ex on Instagram. He likes to "keep an eye on me" and had occasionally been liking my posts. I can't deal with him doing that. If he wants to check in on me he will have to do it the old fashioned way and actually contact me. Otherwise he can't just spy on me and see what I'm up to whenever he wants. He doesn't get to even SEE the good times if he can't deal w/the bad times. He texted me this morning, I assume he realized that he was blocked. He was trying to say that he didn't want to end on bad terms. I said that if he doesn't want to be friends, and "can't handle my mood swings" then what is the point of this? I told him to leave me alone. No response. Bye Felicia.

I feel better about this. I think I did the right thing. Being "friends" on social media is not appropriate.

As for this new guy, he's older and not really emotionally available either. If anything he's a rebound, but I'm not totally against that. My friends tell me I should take a break from boys for a while... but we'll see. If I do go on a date I'm definitely taking it slow and not jumping into anything. Not after this. I feel pretty scarred.
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