My Head Is Fucked Up

Intention of the day: Do what I can to improve my environment, inside and out, today and every day. Morning writing: My environment affects my day to day life. Whether its the clutter all over my room or the clutter of my facebook news feed, these things can affect me, even if its on a subconscious level. I feel like maybe I'd have less anxiety if I cleaned my room. I do try this (occasionally) but it never seems to last. I'm prone to collecting too much crap and being too lazy to put back in whatever it's place is - if I had figured out where to put it at all. By focusing on clearing my living space, I can feel less anxious. There won't be piles of clutter lying around screaming "I AM SOMETHING YOU DIDN'T DO YET." One less thing to worry about. But I have a lot of trouble getting motivated to keep my room clean. I don't think I have plans after work so I will come home and hopefully put some things away. Or figure out which day is the 'large ite...

Intention of the day: Use my forgiveness as a salve to heal the wounds from my past. Morning writing: Yesterday I was coming up with the metaphors - today, the book has done one for me. The lesson was to think of forgiveness as a medicine, a salve, to heal the wounds that still linger with me. When I think of something that gives me negative feelings, or deal with someone that I have feelings of resentment towards, I shouldn't hide my feelings and repress them. I should forgive them - in the moment, if I can. I will feel lighter and more free. Tarot card of the day: VI The Lovers (love, union, relationships, values alignment, choices) I literally just had a meltdown after pulling that card. It has come up repeatedly, as documented here in the blog. I looked up why this might be happening, and found this interpretation:  "However, sometimes encore cards are not an urgent message but a reminder that your spirit guides are always with you.  This is especially true ...

Intention for the day: Change the present and future with the light of forgiveness! Morning writing: Today's lesson was pretty deep! It was an interesting take on how forgiveness affects the universe around me. Think about it... if you are holding onto a grudge from the past, it will affect your opinions and decision making today and in the future. By letting go of that grudge or resentment, you are changing the present and future, because they are no longer controlled by that negativity. You fill the space that was once The Grudge. Ahhh that movie! Now I have an image to associate with this negative feeling. (I'll use the American version, because I thought the JP version was well done and scary af.) Now whenever I feel that anger of resentment creeping up, I'll think of the grudge girl crab walking down the stairs all backwardsy and ridiculous, so I can get out of that negativity spiral. It's like the Riddikulus spell in Harry Potter! Wow I'm strong with th...

Intention of the day: Remember that if I feel resentment coming up, I must simply remember that forgiveness is an ongoing state of mind. It must be practiced daily. Morning writing: This is a good concept, because sometimes you can fall into old patterns. When that happens, I have to focus on forgiving, rather than beating myself up for getting back into bad habits. Transformation is not an overnight activity and I will make mistakes. What is important is recognizing when they are happening and doing what I can to change them or prevent them from happening again. It's kind of like when you're on a diet. If you have a slip up and eat chocolate all day, there is no point in beating yourself up... just get back at it tomorrow. I can forgive myself for forgetting to forgive! After all, I'm a Taurus. This wont be easy but as long as the effort is there, I have no anxiety about it. Tarot card of the day: The Lovers VI (love, union, relationships, values alignment, choices)

Intention of the day: Be open minded; don't let past experiences dictate my reactions to new situations. Morning writing: Today is the first weekend day that I didn't skip my Morning Ritual. I really must stay dedicated and do this every day, and stop taking the weekends off. (Unless I happen to not be home. That's fair, right? I can't be expected to carry this book with me wherever I go lol!) This lesson is a continuation from yesterday's, which again is completely against the grain for my Taurus self. However, it's important and I definitely understand why. I often build walls to protect myself from getting hurt, but this limits my experiences and what I'm willing to try or do. In order to truly live in the moment and be free, I have let go of my grudges and negative opinions that poison my mind. I like to think about this like a photo mosaic. If one small part of the image has a picture of someone you don't like, are you going to dismiss the e...

Intention of the day: Forgive the little things. Don't let the outside world affect my mood. Morning writing: These days, in this political climate, there is a lot that I cannot forgive. There are things that I am currently unwilling to let go of, when it comes to seeing horrible stories on the news like children being massacred at school, racist bigotry, rampant sexual harassment... I could go on but I won't. I realize that holding onto this negative energy is bad for me, but I have my morals and these things are not okay. But as an individual there isn't a ton I can do about those things aside from wasting time online posting comments arguing with alt-right losers. Instead I'll focus this lesson on forgiving the little things - the inconsiderate passenger on my morning commute. My coworker acting like a jerk. These sort of things do affect my mood usually, and I shouldn't let them. Other people are dealing with their own shit and if I forgive these small indiscr...

Intention of the day: Start to let go of past transgressions that still affect me today. Morning writing: This is no easy task for a stubborn Taurus like me who holds a LOT of grudges. In fact, I love holding a grudge when I think someone deserves it. But today's reading explained the other side of this - by holding a grudge or not forgiving a part of my past will only limit me. I need to be able to embrace my whole self and that includes some negative. By letting go of the past I can be free to fly higher in the future. I think that it's really interesting that this was the lesson today. I have been hanging out with a new guy the past two days. Yesterday I pulled the Moon in my daily tarot and thought this meant that I would experience anxiety at my date with him that evening. I talked to my best friend and she had a different interpretation: that I need to let go of my anxieties so that I can go into this relationship fresh. She was right, and this lesson is right. I had a ...

Intention of the day: Do not skip the meditation. Ever. Even if it's just 60 seconds, bringing some peace and stillness to the mind in a conscious way is very beneficial to me. Give my inner light time to shine! Morning writing: Today's lesson reminded the importance of taking time to meditate and appreciate the stillness of the mind. It is calming and helps me feel connected to the world and the universe. When I skipped meditations this past weekend, I was not in a good space. I don't want to feel like that again! I did a quick meditation to show myself that I am keeping my agreement, even though I'm running a little late. Tarot card of the day: XVIII The Moon (illusion, fear, anxiety, insecurity, subconscious)

It should come as no surprise that this happened, but yesterday I ended things with the guy once again. This time it was MY decision and I don't expect to get back with him again. He did genuinely seem sad but I gave him multiple opportunities to save the relationship and he did not. I have come to realize that he does not love himself and so he can't open up to love someone else. I can't live my life waiting for him to be ready for me. I kinda knew this already, going into this. Anyone knew that this would happen if you read my entire blog. But I kept giving him another chance because of how I feel about him. However, I've been on this self-love journey for almost two months and have come to realize that I need to be truer to myself. I can't put myself in this situation where I know I'm not getting what I want, and I'm at odds with my partner constantly because he refuses to be on the same page. It's ludicrous. Saturday is when we began fighting. ...

Intention of the day: Speak and text with words that represent my Highest Self and my truest intentions. Morning writing: It is easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment and use words that are harsh or convey a feeling that you did not truly intend. This is damaging to my self and the people around me, and it is essential to be more thoughtful about which words are being used. Especially when I'm writing online or sending a text, I must proof-read and make sure the messages I'm sending are using the proper tonality. Tarot card of the day: The Lovers (love, union, relationships, values alignment, choices)

Intention of the day: This is my usual mode of operation. I don't make promises that I don't intend to keep... at least with other people. So I must focus more on following through with promises I make to myself. Morning writing: I have definitely broken promises in my life. But when it comes to breaking promises with other people, I have to have a good reason or I'll be filled with guilt. However, I make plenty of promises and agreements with my inner self that get broken all the time. My planner is filled with repeated goals that I still haven't gotten around to, like getting new running shoes so I can start working out again. I need to prioritize myself and my promises to myself over everyone else. If I don't keep promises to myself I can't trust myself, and that will cause anxiety. This is how we learn! I spent a good part of my morning reading The Gifts of Imperfection: Your Guide to a Wholehearted Life. I read it about half way so far and I like the me...

Intention for the day: Know that every agreement and commitment that I make will affect me internally and will affect karma externally. Morning writing: I liked the concept of this lesson, that each agreement made to myself can affect me mentally. If I don't keep my promises to myself, I can't trust myself. If I can't trust myself, anxiety grows within, which then affects my relationships and even the universe! Kind of high stakes. But the lesson also described agreements like seeds, they need to be nurtured so they can grow and reach their goals. I need to tend my garden by taking the steps needed to start working out. I feel like that is the main topic that I always break my promises to myself about. Tarot card of the day: XX Judgement (judgment, rebirth, inner calling, absolution)

Intention of the day: Value my agreements and resolutions with myself as highly as I would one with my best friend. I am my OWN best friend! Morning writing: I almost skipped this today. I am running late this morning, but I figured I'd crack over the Rituals for Transformation and see what the lesson was today. I read it and thought, "Ugh I don't have time for this..." looking at the clock as it continues to tick away. Then I thought about the lesson. Hold myself to promises that I make myself, just as I would for any of my dearest friends or family. I had promised myself that I would have a Morning Ritual to help with my personal wellness. That's a promise - and not one to be skipped just because I'm running late. So here I am doing my ritual! Even though I'm still running late. This is important. Now I gotta quickly do the other steps of my ritual, so if you'll excuse me... I gotta run! Tarot card of the day: XXI The World (completion, integrati...

Intention of the day: Use your words thoughtfully. Words can cut deeper than a knife. Don't let the negative words of others affect you. Morning writing: This is something I think about a lot. Not necessarily how MY words are affecting others, but how I should not judge people based solely on what they say. I know firsthand how people can deflect a negative emotion onto someone else - my mom used to do this all the time. It's not okay to do this, but it's important to be aware when it is happening. If I am cognizant of a negative feeling "being taken out on me" then it doesn't affect me in the same negative way. However, since I have admitted that my mom has done this frequently, then it's very likely that I learned this behavior. It's very likely that I'm doing it too. So I must be even more careful to be aware of when I might be taking my emotions out on someone else. I must be careful when I choose my words and speak intentionally. Tarot car...

Intention of the day: Feel the light within, and whenever I feel weak or anxious, I will meditate and feel the light within once again. Morning writing: This morning's lesson was very simple. I was to meditate and feel the light and love within my body. The same light and energy is what the universe is made of, and this is my way to reconnect. Usually when I meditate, I can visualize a light that starts at the top of my head and makes it way down throughout my body. Today, I envisioned that the light was a bright, glittering, liquid gold that was dripping down my being from the top of my head. It was brilliant and warm and quickly covered me head to toe. After this was complete, I then visualized a bright white light beaming out from within my center, creating a bubble of light and aura all around me. I opened my eyes with a smile. This is a good feeling. I'm going to try to meditate on the train again as well. This is getting addictive. Tarot card of the day: XII The H...

Intention of the day: Concentrate on the eating experience. Do not snack mindlessly. Count your chews. Morning writing: I literally said "oooh" when I read the lesson today. I had expected to stay on the mental awareness path (it'll probably come back) and didn't expect to go in this direction. This is a lesson I've sort of heard before, but I like how in Ritual for Transformation the act of eating is described as, "you simultaneously nourish your body and reaffirm your unity with the natural world that birthed you and sustains you." I really like that. As a Taurus, I am an earth sign and I really do feel a deep connection with the planet. I will meditate on this and try to focus on really appreciating each bite... Now I'm hungry!

Intention of the day: My whole self is much more than my mind. I strive to be more aware of my entire body and how it perceives the world around me. Morning writing: This concept is a bit more abstract and difficult. I meditated on it for several minutes to try and 'hear' things with my body. Can my kneecaps hear that bird in the sky? Can my back hear the hum of the bathroom vent? This is less literal and more about using my entire body to feel all sensations. To get OUT of my head and more into my entire self. The lesson acknowledged that this is not simple and people should practice this meditation while doing any kind of stationary activity... like my morning commute! Maybe today (if I get a seat on the train) I will listen to a guided meditation and then afterwards focus on hearing with my body.

Intention of the day: Despite how it may self-sabotage me constantly, I must forgive my mind. Feeling anything other than love and forgiveness is a waste of energy - negativity is not needed within me. Morning writing: These lessons about anxiety are coming at the perfect time, since I'm about to get my period. My PMDD is always horrible starting in week 3 and usually climaxes with me raging about something a day or two before my period... and then I get my period and I'm back to a normal human. But I digress... so yesterday I was a prime example of what not to do. I think that since I have been more cognizant of my mind's reactionary tendencies, I was able to keep my cool better than I normally would have. When I was talking to the boy yesterday he didn't want to do the thing that I wanted to do. I was disappointed but I didn't flip out. I said I would do the thing on my own. Unfortunately, he was more used to me flipping out about this sort of thing and reacted ...

Intention of the day: Remember that while my anxieties are an attempt at self-preservation, I don't have to listen. My mind isn't always right when it thinks its detecting a threat, especially in my personal relationships. The lesson states, "...it tends to err on the side of caution - seeing such patterns where they don't actually exist." Morning writing: I had a nice meditation today. I think this lesson is also very important for me, as I often fall victim to my anxieties. I usually end up spending a lot of time worrying about things that COULD potentially happen, even when it's a ridiculous hypothetical. This is a terrible thing to do - it wastes my energy on anxiety, makes me sad and ends up causing me to have arguments with people that I love. I need to remember that I can't control everything, and that's okay. It's also okay to be uncomfortable. It's okay to not know everything that's going on. It's important to remember that t...

Intention of the day: Remember these words from today's lesson - "Today, practice making space in your consciousness so that you can experience the authority of your Higher Self while observing your mind." Morning writing: After a weekend hiatus I am resuming my morning ritual. As disappointed as I was in the previous lesson, I think this one hits home for me. I really like the way the author describes my anxiety thoughts as my mind, while my spirit recognizing the negativity and trying to combat the feelings is my Higher Self. Why must there be this inner battle? The lesson today makes me think of a song that is pretty much on this theme: "Drive" by Incubus. I must remember to be in control and not let the fear take the wheel and steer. Drive Incubus Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear Take the wheel and steer It's driven me before And it s...

Intention of the day: Hear my inner critic, but don't let it be the only voice. Morning writing: This lesson somewhat irked me. Not because of the intention about noticing an inner critic. The book's lesson focused more on how to notice your inner critic, for those who may not realize when it's happening. For me, that's not my problem. I hear it loud and clear, volume cranked to ten. My problem is more about what to do about the inner critic. How to get it to shut up and stop picking apart all of the things that make me insecure or upset. My current coping mechanism to shut up the inner critic/monologue is to just count in my head. If I'm focused on counting, I can't think about other things. I guess that's the good thing about being shitty at math lol. Maybe this will be covered in a future lesson in the book, I don't know. But I have no problem noticing my inner critic.