My Head Is Fucked Up

Intention of the day: Appreciate the real value in the things you love today Morning writing: Except... money? lol but seriously, this lesson's value is good too! The true merit and value in a person, place or thing is the experience shared. Maybe it was only temporary, or a fleeting moment... but it happened to me and it was special. Appreciating the experience is the true value in life. But this makes me sad for those with memory loss or alzheimers... where is their joy in life without their rich moments of memory? Tarot Reading: VI Swords (regretful but necessary transition, rite of passage) Another tarot card telling me that I am on my way towards the right path. (Why am I stalked by Swords?) I am heading away from turmoil and towards calmer waters. This has not been easy and my spirit guides recognize this. But I think they also recognize that I am growing into a more mature person.

Intention of the day: Be an inspiration and I will be further motivated! Morning writing: Today's lesson had a nice sentiment. If I can recognize my own self-worth and radiate that positive energy, then others will be affected by it and inspired as well. At the same time, inspiring others is a motivational tool for me, which would inspire ME to work even harder to spread good karma... and it's a cycle of good. I like this notion. I will try to keep it in mind when I need to get motivated. Tarot Reading: Since it is Sunday I am trying a weekly outlook six-card spread. My Feelings for the Week: X Wheel of Fortune (good luck, karma, life cycles, destiny, a turning point) Theme for the Week: Queen of Swords (quick thinker, organized, perceptive, independent) Challenges for the Week: XI Justice (justice, fairness, truth, cause and effect, law) Response to Challenges: XXI The World (completion, integration, accomplishment, travel) Advice for the Week: King of Swords (...

Intention of the day: From now on, I PLEDGE to give my attention to the good things Morning writing: This lesson kicked me in the emotional gut. I'm 100% guilty of this bad habit. This is exactly what my ex would complain about me - that I was always SEARCHING for a problem. I'd invent a potential problem, and freak out over that. If you create problems in life - then yep, you'll have problems. But if you focus on the GOOD rather than the bad... then you can just have a happier life overall. I have fallen into a habit of self-protection and searching for red flags when I'm in a relationship. But to be in a successful partnership, that can't be a constant. There needs to be trust and faith, otherwise why are you with that person? If I'm constantly on the self-defense, the other person is constantly dealing with an onslaught of interrogations. It's toxic and if I don't want to be a Debbie Downer, then it's time to fucking stop. Like the lesson says, ...

Intention of the day: Be more flexible of body and mind. Morning writing: This lesson is definitely one to keep in mind all the time. Be flexible and less rigid. People aren't going to always meet my expectations or follow my rules. Do I dump every guy that didn't meet the standard? Yes. Am I alone and sad? Yes. I must keep this intention in mind when I am dating, because men are impossible and only the psycho ones are willing to follow my every rule. Real men are going to want to have their own ideas and pursuits regardless of what my rules are, so what is the point of having them? Why do I need rules, why do I need to control every guy I date? My insecurity must stem in there somewhere. It's much easier to give up control when I feel confident and trusting, so that is also a priority. Confidence is something I can work on building up. Trust is something I must have faith in, and give out to people who are worth it. It's scary but that is how life works. Unless I wan...

Intention of the day: Spend more time in nature for inspiration and energy. Morning writing: What a fantastic lesson to get today, when the temperature forecast is set for 65. Now that the weather is finally improving, I must prioritize going to the park and just enjoying this planet. Too often we forget to appreciate the amazing beauty of the harmony of nature in this world. If the Universe is the creator of energy and spirit, my Mother Earth is the creator of nature as I know it. Too long do I spend my time cooped up in my room or my office looking at screens instead of being outside. I fully intend to take a long break and go to a park today during work. Maybe even Central Park. We'll see. 😉 Tarot Reading: VII of Pentacles (vision, perseverance, profit, reward, investment) Maybe my spirit guides sense my inspiration from the lesson today. If I follow my heart and do what feels right, it will be worth it in the end. I feel the card tells me to definitely get outside toda...

Intention of the day: Don't dwell on the negative or you'll miss all the positive Morning writing: It is a daily challenge to see the good in the world when there is so much bad happening, rude people who are too self absorbed to realize, evil people who have been so corrupted that they are willing to end life, twisted people who only find joy in tormenting others... but while those people are out there, there are also magical people. Kind people doing good things for others. This should be on the news just as much as the negative, imho. It should be an inspiration. So I guess I will have to take a more active role in finding this positive inspiration on my own! Tarot Reading: Queen of Pentacles (practical, homely, motherly, down-to-earth, security) IV of Swords Reversed (restlessness, burnt out, lack of progress) I was initially going to just pull one card but I got the Queen of Pentacles AGAIN and I wasn't going to take 'be a nice girl' for an answer. So ...

Intention of the day: In your mind [only], please choose the path of least resistance. Morning writing: Again, as a confrontational person all of this is very challenging for me. I rarely back down from a 'fight' when someone close to me is treating me unfairly. (For instance, I ended things with the new guy last night because he ignored me during my birthday weekend. But I was polite and explained my feelings in a rational way and we ended things amicably.) So I don't expect myself to change completely and turn into a zen Jesus. HOWEVER, when it comes to the little things, dealing with strangers, and stuff like that... I feel this is an appropriate time to practice this lesson. Many times my morning commute would leave me angry or frustrated and it would set the tone for my day. Now I can let the rude indiscretions and late trains slide because it is not worth holding onto the negative energy. On top of that, I will try to use this mindset when dealing with the bigger is...

Intention of the day: Mean what you say and say what you mean Morning writing: I definitely have some issues with the author of this book. The title of the lesson, and the message contained within it, was slightly askew from the writing in the lesson describing the detail. The content of the lesson was more along the lines of, if you want change you need to do it yourself. Nobody is going to do it for you. And I need to be more accountable regarding this, because I definitely have always hoped that some man was going to come whisk me away and I wouldn't have to worry about finding my own place to live. I really want to move out of my parents' house, but don't have the money. So instead of waiting for a man, I need to get more money. And instead of waiting around for a personal trainer to offer their services to me, I need to get new fucking sneakers, join a gym and work on my health on my own. I need to take actions instead of waiting around. And that's a good lesson....

Intention of the day: If you talk shit about others it shows off your own insecurity. Morning writing: Honestly I don't really think I have a big problem with talking about other people negatively behind their back, and that sort of thing. Sometimes at work I'll joke around and be a hater about something on TV... hopefully they realize I'm joking. Maybe I'll tone down on that, if I need an action to work on for this lesson. But I know that it's not nice to say bad things about other people. I was always of the 'do unto others as you would have done unto you' and I certainly wouldn't want anyone to speak of me like that. I like to treat people fairly, as long as they are treating me fairly. And lately, with the lessons in this book, I am getting better at letting it slide even when people are rude or unfair. There is no point in building up negative energy towards people, especially strangers. And when it comes to friends, negative energy will only be r...

Intention of the day: I am rubber you are glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks onto you! Morning writing: The old schoolyard rhyme finally applies (kinda)! I have found that today's lesson is something that has been happening naturally as my path towards serenity and enlightenment progresses. In my morning commute, I used to get annoyed with people that were in my path, walking slowly, or otherwise in the way. I'd mutter and get flustered and it would affect my mood. Now, when I'm going to work and encounter an inconsiderate commuter, sure it still annoys me. But only in the moment. After it the initial indiscretion makes me feel slightly frustrated, I'll immediately let it slide. There is no use in letting stupid people affect my day and my happiness. And now they don't! And it's easy! Just focus on being happy over being right. Tarot Card: Knight of Swords (opinionated, hasty, action-oriented, communicative) I am starting a new deck today o...

Intention of the day: When feeling a negative emotion boiling up, remember how much better it feels when you have no resistance. Morning writing: This lesson was simple and mostly a specific intention for my morning meditation. I asked myself the question above and the answer is easy. I'm more peaceful, zen, less affected by others, and happier. I need to choose this state of mind more often. I know I have a tendency to form this resistance in my mind. It is up to me to keep this lesson in mind instead. Tarot Card: XIV Temperance (balance, moderation, patience, purpose, meaning) OOF. Today is not only 4/20 but my birthday party is tonight, and my spirit guides call for moderation!!?! Drat. I think my goal is to not drink too much and get too crazy. I don't usually do that anyway, but good for my tarot card to remind me that I'm not as young as I used to be... especially at a birthday party in my honor lol!

Intention of the day: Don't be rigid - keep your mind and your heart open Morning writing: As I suspected, now we are delving deeper into the receiving concept. But I don't really think the author is explaining it well. I think she's trying to say that we must be open minded and keep a space open in our hearts for something new (feelings, ideas, people, anything?) at all times. I like to think that this is part of my personality naturally, but I understand the need to not fall back into old patterns. I find myself starting to do this as the guy I went out with on Monday has been distant and I want to text him and confront him about this... but I'm trying to fight the urge. Be open to receiving. He's got his reasons that are valid I'm sure. I need to let go, let him come to me, focus on doing MY thing and not dudes. It's hard! I like dudes!! lol Tarot Card: IX The Hermit (soul searching, introspection, being alone, inner guidance) As if to reiterate w...

Intention of the day: Remember to observe and listen as well as create. Morning writing: I'm sorry but this lesson was kind of bullshit. It was all fancy words and no actual substance. It didn't even fully explain itself - talking about how creation is change, and how change affects your life. I know this already. It said very little about how to improve the more difficult skill of receiving. Maybe that means I'll get like 5 more lessons on receiving on the coming days. We'll see lol. But my takeaway is to listen and think before acting. Tarot Card: II The High Priestess (intuition, higher powers, mystery, subconscious mind) I asked for a guiding card and I received the High Priestess! This is one of my favorite cards. I love how my intuition has somehow improved during this journey. Or maybe it's just that I'm more aware of it. But this card makes this new skill seem solidified and gives me confidence. I like it. I think my spirit guides are also remind...

Intention of the day: Choose happiness over being right. Choose Spirit over ego. Morning writing: Yep... I definitely have this problem. I'm stubborn and I definitely prefer being right, and letting people know why they are wrong. But this lesson helps me to see why this is negative behavior, and unhealthy for my highest good. For years I have put my own ego at the top, and it has brought me nothing but toxic relationships and unhappiness. What I've been doing isn't working, so it's time for a new approach. I will add "choose happiness" to my affirmations for meditation. This is another lesson I will have to practice. Who knew that happiness and forgiveness would be such a challenge? lol Tarot Card: VIII Strength (strength, courage, patience, control, compassion) VII The Chariot (control, willpower, victory, assertion, determination) I asked if today is okay to try and reach out to the guy I went on a date with... two months ago. I'm nervous...

Intention of the day: It's time to let go of the grudges from childhood Morning writing: I was actually thinking about this topic of this lesson the other day when I was thinking about forgiveness. I had some 'bff's in high school that betrayed me and I went through a very hard time and have had trust issues with women for many years as a result. But I'm still 'friends on facebook' with these people even though we are not friends. It's time to just let go of the grudge and move along. What does it matter? The past can't be undone, and I learned what I learned from it... some of the trust issues I have to un-learn but that's an experience too. "How much longer am I going to pollute myself with this grievance?" is asked in today's lesson. I think that's a good reason to let go of childhood grudges. The resentment is negativity that I don't want. I'm running late so I will have to meditate on this on my train ride. Tarot Re...

Intention of the day: I am one with the Divine, Source Energy and the Universe... it is all the same oneness that is me. Morning writing: This lesson got me deep. The words on the page were simple enough, that we are all made of the same Divine, the same Source Energy, and we should recognize that we are all the Divine. We are all Source Energy. They have this same idea in the Old Testament, so I assume that is where the author is getting this from. But when I meditated on it, the concept not only makes perfect sense, it made me feel very zen. In my meditation I have been trying to see outside my body, to zoom out and see a bigger picture. In the past I was able to visualize the train that I was on, traveling at fast speed across the island. This morning I concentrated on the Source Energy of the Universe. I am a part of this Universe, and it is a part of me. I meditated on how I am merely a red blood cell moving through the streets, which are just veins running along the skin of thi...

Intention of the day: We are all the same creatures. Any trait in someone else is also in me, so I should think before I criticize or put down another person. Morning writing: Don't be a hater, I think is a simpler way to think about this. All people have the same flaws, and anything that one person is capable of can be capable by all if we apply ourselves. Anyone can be a leader, just as easily as anyone can be a follower. Anyone can win the lotto, and anyone can do the unthinkable and commit murder. We are all capable of doing these things with the right tools and with the stars in alignment. While I think people should not be murderers or even followers... I must recognize that all humans have these flaws. Maybe some people are better at controlling impulses than others - this is something that is trained. Think about humans like any other creature. A dog is trained to have proper house manners around guests because the dog's first instinct is to jump and bark and get all ...

Intention of the day: Know that my patience, forgiveness and good karma will spread if I continue to practice it. Morning writing: In this universe, things tend to fall in a chain reaction. There are chemical reactions happening all the time, whether we realize it or not. Is it not possible that every human interaction has a chemical reaction as well? And if the interaction is positive, maybe those chemical reactions will breed more positive feelings. I'm no scientist but I'm pretty sure that's how karma works. It is my duty to spread good karma by practicing forgiveness for all. Every human deserves forgiveness, even jerks and selfish assholes. I still have trouble justifying forgiveness for horrible criminals and murderers, but as my lessons teach me - it's not up to me to condemn someone else. That would be to take on negativity. Their karma will even things out in the end, and it is not my job to know that or see it happen. My only job is to treat all people as eq...

Intention of the day: Meditate on releasing my need to be in control. Trust that things will all be taken care of by the Universe. Morning writing: I had a nice long meditation in my morning routine today. It's Friday and my boss is out for a vacay so if I'm a little late it's not a big deal. Besides, things will all be taken care of by the Universe! I have had control issues for a while. Insecurity makes you want to try to control everything that you can, as a defense mechanism. You think that if you control how people act or where they go, then they will act and do whatever you want and you will not get hurt. This is unhealthy and simply not possible. I can't control anything except for myself, my actions, and my reactions. My relationship with my ex was toxic because I wanted to control him. I wanted him to be the perfect version of himself that was inside my head. But that person isn't real and the real guy didn't want to be that perfect self, for whatever...

Intention of the day: Do not carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. Forgive the evil, remember the balance of yin and yang and let karma deal with the rest. Morning writing: This lesson reinforces my social media detox. All of the feelings described in the reading today were about the negativity that you take on when you are condemning some evil going on in the world. Even when you are being high and mighty and looking down upon some horrible criminal or story, you're still taking on negative energy. When you are a social justice warrior, fighting internet trolls online, you're still taking on negative energy. If I spend time reading about terrible things going on in the world, it will just add to negativity. It's not up to me to save the rest of the world. The universe has a balance of good and bad, I suppose. It evens itself out. Is this why bad things happen to good people? I can't say. But with my social media detox, I feel much lighter in my heart. I...

Intention of the day: Be zen. Do not waste energy on negativity towards others because it will ultimately reflect negativity back onto myself. Morning writing: I don't need that negativity in my life! It's tough because it's fun to be bitchy and catty and think that it's harmless because the people you criticize (on TV, around the office, etc) don't necessarily know you're saying anything... but it's still negative energy. Or when you're on social media (not me of course, since I've quit FB) and getting high and righteous over some news article, or arguing with some internet troll about politics - even when nobody is getting 'hurt'... there is still negative energy. There is guilt or shame or sadness or stubborn fingers-in-their-ears baby response. Nothing good comes from it. It's a waste of pure light and energy turning into dark negative energy, and why? Because we're bored. Not me. If I'm bored, I can think of plenty of other...

Intention of the day: Feel no guilt over dumb social media indiscretions. Stop doing it and move on. Morning writing: This lesson makes me think about my recent decision to quit Facebook. I have had nothing but negative energy and anxiety from that site since 2016. I would get into arguments with friends. I would troll right wing nuts on political and news pages. I would pick fights with random dudes in the hockey group that I was in. While getting notifications made me feel important and getting into arguments sometimes felt exhilarating... I realized that this site was sucking the life out of me. Antagonizing strangers online does nothing for me. Comparing my life to those of my friends who are happily married, have a house, cute kids, etc. does nothing for me. Reading about the latest fucked up news story and then the wacko right-wing bullshit comments that come attached does nothing for me. So I made the decision to stop using the site. I didn't delete my account but I delete...

Intention of the day: LOL you do you booboo Morning writing: This lesson is like a day off. This is something I definitely already do. I'm a gamer, I'm a bit of a jokester... I goof off a lot. I might play too much, tbh. But if the book says I should play then maybe I'm doing something right. I'm always like a kid at heart. I haven't aged since 16, in many ways. Lots of people tell me that they think it's great how I go to lots of events and do activities. I guess that is me making sure there is time for PLAY! Tarot Reading: VI The Lovers (love, union, relationships, values alignment, choices) XV The Devil (bondage, addiction, sexuality, materialism) II The High Priestess (intuition, higher powers, mystery, subconscious mind) Who's grandma took over as my spirit guide?? I don't really know what to make of this. If I go with a past/present/future, then it's just saying that while I wanted a relationship and I'm certainly horny enough at p...

Intention of the day: Remember that I am created of the energy of the universe and at a fundamental level, I am an unbreakable eternal spirit. Morning writing: What a strange morning it's been. I woke up absurdly early for a weekend (6am because my cat won't have it any other way) and after laying in bed a while I decided to get up and clean out one of my shelves. I found a bunch of useful things and plenty of things to throw out. It was productive! By 10am I turned on the TV and went to the Pluto TV app, looking for something new to watch. I found a channel called Nature Vision TV which is essentially videos of different parts of the world showing off nature in various forms, all set to calm music. Perfect meditation and/or reading music! Next I decided to finish reading "You are a Badass" and it was the final section, learning about how to manifest more money by believing that it is in my future. Find a soulmate by trusting the Universe to bring them to me if I fo...