My Head Is Fucked Up

Intention of the day: Continue to remember and value the yin and yang of life, the ebb and flow of the Universe, and trust that all will be well. Evening reflections: Today's lesson continues on from yesterday. It is important to not only handle life's 'contractions' but to embrace them. It is necessary and is a sign of personal growth when something to seem to be limiting or restricting my life. Being aware of these issues, and learning to handle and grow from them is the path towards expansion and greatness. Don't fear change, be excited by it! Don't let labels and expectations of others prevent you from doing what will bring you greatest joy and highest powers!! Tarot Weekly Forecast: Sunday: Page of Wands (enthusiasm, exploration, discovery, free spirit) Monday: Page of Pentacles (manifestation, financial opportunity, new job) Tuesday: XIX The Sun (fun, warmth, success, positivity, vitality) Wednesday: Ace of Wands (inspiration, power, creation, beg...

Intention of the day: When I feel troubled - remember to go into the lightness! Morning writing: One of my favorite meditations is when I visualize filling my body with light and then exuding that lightness when I exhale, sharing it with everyone around me. It is a very good feeling and I usually incorporate this into my meditation at some point. Apparently I'm doing the right thing! But the key is to remember to do this in times of trouble. Do this in times when I am stressed or in doubt. That's the hardest part, to be conscious of my emotions and learn to meditate or reach a state of calmness during a difficult moment. I'm developing a mantra - Be Flexible. Be Forgiving. Be Focused. Be Light. Tarot Reading: Queen of Pentacles (practical, homely, motherly, down-to-earth, security) Very interesting card today. Just before I pulled the card I reviewed my gratitude list and thanked the spirit guides for what I already have, and simply asked for guidance. I believe t...

Intention of the day: Forgiveness, flexibility and focus - the 3 new "F words" Morning writing: Another lesson reiterating the importance of forgiveness, and the possibilities that can open up when you free yourself from wasting energy on resentment and anger. I must strive to forgive those who I perceived as wronging me in the past. I must move forward so that I can find my own happiness. Harboring grudges and resentment is only going to cause me more distress. Be forgiving, be flexible and be focused on the important things in life. This is what will keep in mind when I feel that someone is upsetting me. Be flexible in the situation. Forgive someone who may be deemed selfish or rude. Focus on keeping my inner light shining bright. Tarot Weekly Forecast: Myself: III The Empress (fertility, femininity, beauty, nature, abundance) Theme of the Week: Knight of Swords (hasty, opinionated, action oriented, communicative) Challenges: XVI The Tower (disaster, upheaval, sudde...

Intention of the day: Let go and learn to grow Morning writing: I've been so ingrained in what I think I want that I leave no possibility for the Universe to provide me with something new. In my practice of becoming more flexible, both mentally and physically, being able to let go is a vital skill that I must master. It's very difficult, and today's lesson explained that we tend to do this for both positive and negative things. If negative, you hold onto things to try and prevent it from happening. If positive, you try to prevent anything from changing. But these are both unnatural and somewhat ridiculous. Everything changes, things happen, you can't stop things from happening. The best way to react to things happening is to be flexible, to be able to face new challenges instead of breaking down or running away. Be flexible and let go. Tarot Reading: Past: IX of Wands (courage, persistence, test of faith, resilience) Present: III of Wands Reversed (lack of fores...

Intention of the day: From now on, I PLEDGE to give my attention to the good things Morning writing: This lesson kicked me in the emotional gut. I'm 100% guilty of this bad habit. This is exactly what my ex would complain about me - that I was always SEARCHING for a problem. I'd invent a potential problem, and freak out over that. If you create problems in life - then yep, you'll have problems. But if you focus on the GOOD rather than the bad... then you can just have a happier life overall. I have fallen into a habit of self-protection and searching for red flags when I'm in a relationship. But to be in a successful partnership, that can't be a constant. There needs to be trust and faith, otherwise why are you with that person? If I'm constantly on the self-defense, the other person is constantly dealing with an onslaught of interrogations. It's toxic and if I don't want to be a Debbie Downer, then it's time to fucking stop. Like the lesson says, ...

Intention of the day: Be more flexible of body and mind. Morning writing: This lesson is definitely one to keep in mind all the time. Be flexible and less rigid. People aren't going to always meet my expectations or follow my rules. Do I dump every guy that didn't meet the standard? Yes. Am I alone and sad? Yes. I must keep this intention in mind when I am dating, because men are impossible and only the psycho ones are willing to follow my every rule. Real men are going to want to have their own ideas and pursuits regardless of what my rules are, so what is the point of having them? Why do I need rules, why do I need to control every guy I date? My insecurity must stem in there somewhere. It's much easier to give up control when I feel confident and trusting, so that is also a priority. Confidence is something I can work on building up. Trust is something I must have faith in, and give out to people who are worth it. It's scary but that is how life works. Unless I wan...

Intention of the day: Don't be rigid - keep your mind and your heart open Morning writing: As I suspected, now we are delving deeper into the receiving concept. But I don't really think the author is explaining it well. I think she's trying to say that we must be open minded and keep a space open in our hearts for something new (feelings, ideas, people, anything?) at all times. I like to think that this is part of my personality naturally, but I understand the need to not fall back into old patterns. I find myself starting to do this as the guy I went out with on Monday has been distant and I want to text him and confront him about this... but I'm trying to fight the urge. Be open to receiving. He's got his reasons that are valid I'm sure. I need to let go, let him come to me, focus on doing MY thing and not dudes. It's hard! I like dudes!! lol Tarot Card: IX The Hermit (soul searching, introspection, being alone, inner guidance) As if to reiterate w...

Intention of the day: It's time to let go of the grudges from childhood Morning writing: I was actually thinking about this topic of this lesson the other day when I was thinking about forgiveness. I had some 'bff's in high school that betrayed me and I went through a very hard time and have had trust issues with women for many years as a result. But I'm still 'friends on facebook' with these people even though we are not friends. It's time to just let go of the grudge and move along. What does it matter? The past can't be undone, and I learned what I learned from it... some of the trust issues I have to un-learn but that's an experience too. "How much longer am I going to pollute myself with this grievance?" is asked in today's lesson. I think that's a good reason to let go of childhood grudges. The resentment is negativity that I don't want. I'm running late so I will have to meditate on this on my train ride. Tarot Re...

Intention of the day: If I feel sad, don't make it worse by beating myself up and saying that something is wrong with me. Morning writing: I have mixed feelings about this lesson. Partly, it's easy. When I'm crying, I agree that it has a therapeutic effect. I tend not to stifle my tears and let them flow instead. However, a lot of the time if I'm merely sad, I'll beat myself up. And now that I'm thinking about it, I tend to beat myself up until I cry - and then I have the therapeutic effect I just mentioned. Hmm. That kind of seems like I'm subconsciously escalating an issue to a point where I cry, so that I can feel better. What if I didn't have to take it to that next level? What if I nip it in the bud and work on my sadness before it turns into a waterworks show? This is something that I need to focus my intention on for a while. Tarot Past/Present/Future: XXI The World (completion, integration, accomplishment, travel) XV The Devil (bondage, ad...

It should come as no surprise that this happened, but yesterday I ended things with the guy once again. This time it was MY decision and I don't expect to get back with him again. He did genuinely seem sad but I gave him multiple opportunities to save the relationship and he did not. I have come to realize that he does not love himself and so he can't open up to love someone else. I can't live my life waiting for him to be ready for me. I kinda knew this already, going into this. Anyone knew that this would happen if you read my entire blog. But I kept giving him another chance because of how I feel about him. However, I've been on this self-love journey for almost two months and have come to realize that I need to be truer to myself. I can't put myself in this situation where I know I'm not getting what I want, and I'm at odds with my partner constantly because he refuses to be on the same page. It's ludicrous. Saturday is when we began fighting. ...

Intention of the day: Despite how it may self-sabotage me constantly, I must forgive my mind. Feeling anything other than love and forgiveness is a waste of energy - negativity is not needed within me. Morning writing: These lessons about anxiety are coming at the perfect time, since I'm about to get my period. My PMDD is always horrible starting in week 3 and usually climaxes with me raging about something a day or two before my period... and then I get my period and I'm back to a normal human. But I digress... so yesterday I was a prime example of what not to do. I think that since I have been more cognizant of my mind's reactionary tendencies, I was able to keep my cool better than I normally would have. When I was talking to the boy yesterday he didn't want to do the thing that I wanted to do. I was disappointed but I didn't flip out. I said I would do the thing on my own. Unfortunately, he was more used to me flipping out about this sort of thing and reacted ...

Intention of the day: Remember these words from today's lesson - "Today, practice making space in your consciousness so that you can experience the authority of your Higher Self while observing your mind." Morning writing: After a weekend hiatus I am resuming my morning ritual. As disappointed as I was in the previous lesson, I think this one hits home for me. I really like the way the author describes my anxiety thoughts as my mind, while my spirit recognizing the negativity and trying to combat the feelings is my Higher Self. Why must there be this inner battle? The lesson today makes me think of a song that is pretty much on this theme: "Drive" by Incubus. I must remember to be in control and not let the fear take the wheel and steer. Drive Incubus Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear Take the wheel and steer It's driven me before And it s...

Intention of the day: Let my body be my sanctuary where I can regain my strength and feel grounded. Let my emotions be real but not control my entire self and not affect my entire day. Morning writing: This one is difficult for me. I get emotional very easily. I treat this with my self-medication to help me keep my cool. But as evidenced by the existence of this blog, I'm still not entirely "together." I understand what the book is TRYING to say, but I think I already feel all my emotions pretty well. So I delved deeper into the secondary message of today's ritual: my body is my rock. My body is a constant, silent warrior where my crazy head sits on top. If I need to get out of a bad head space or calm my incessant inner monologue, I can use my new meditation techniques to regain my strength and composure. The bigger issue is acknowledging when my thoughts are becoming toxic, and being cognizant of the tools I have to change my tune.

Update: Yeah it's been a while. Yeah my head is still fucked up. Probably more than ever, because my ex contacted me just after October and we've been hanging out again. It's not a relationship, it's complicated, it's friends with benefits, it's whatever. We have great sex. I think we have actually been growing as friends. But who knows what goes on in his head, because I'm pretty sure he's just as nuts as me... if not more. I can't expect a relationship out of this guy. Anyway, I have also been working on myself despite this probable lapse in judgement (again). The new year always inspires me to work on self improvement. It's easy to start fresh with a new planner and journal and be ready to make some changes. Hopefully they stick! For 2018 I picked up three books: The Simple Elephant planner, The Radical Self Love Almanac and Rituals for Transformation . My goal for the future is to feel more in control of my life, gain independence, and ...

Today I'm bored at work. As I search social media for interesting articles to share for work, I often come across interesting articles about mental health. I usually hone in on articles about stress, self confidence and emotional resilience. I felt that this article, "How to Be Better at Stress" was very interesting and extensive. https://www.nytimes.com/guides/well/how-to-deal-with-stress The article goes over many different strategies that can help people cope with stress in their lives. I'm going to just review the section titles and evaluate where I'm at on these topics. Perception of Stress: This topic is regarding how you think about the stress at hand. Do I view it in a way that makes it seem insurmountable? Am I thinking about how the stress is making me feel worse? Instead of dwelling on the stress, its better to try to put a positive spin on the situation, because thinking negatively will only make it worse. The hard part here is identifyin...

Last week was rough, as I wrote. This weekend is better. Not all the way better... but I'm staying strong. I only talked to the ex briefly during the week, about some loose ends which are now tied up and I don't think I will have to interact with him again, unless he decides to reach out to me for some reason. Hopefully not. I will not play his mind games. He's over it anyway. Just keep swimming...! This weekend I don't have any plans and that's ok. That used to be something that would make me freak out, like OMG I must be such a loser I'm home on the weekend. But who cares, really? OK so it's a little lonely. But oh look at me I'm not out spending money. I'm able to make some PROGRESS on my damn video games that I never have time to play. Spending time with my kitty who never gets to see me during the day b/c I'm always at work. Being at home isn't so bad! In fact, today I also spent some time with my guitar. Earlier this week I ...

All week I really was doing well. I was staying positive and keeping busy, trying not to think about my ex. There's even a man that I met at a networking event who seems pretty interested in going on a date. But I'm not sure how ready I am for any of that right now! Because on Friday I had a "relapse" moment of weakness and texted my ex and told him I was thinking about him. He indicated that he was thinking about me too... which started me on a downward spiral of begging and shame. I regret sinking to that low. I guess since I was really not listening to him he started using harsh words and I felt very hurt. We had another huge text message argument. He obviously doesn't want to get back together again. I can't believe I thought he would change. I think I assumed that he had the same feelings as me when we got back together the second time. He knew I was in love with him, why would you start dating someone AGAIN if you didn't share those feelings? Why...

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-13698/10-habits-of-emotionally-resilient-people.html Blogger's Note: I got this list from the above website. But I'm going to copy it here so I can read it more easily and try to remember these things because they really hit home for me. Here are ten things that emotionally resilient people do when faced with a difficult situation: 1. Wait for what's right instead of acting on what you want right now. Yup, just like the classic  Stanford marshmallow experiment , this is about impulse control — the ability to stop and consider whether you want to act on a desire. For example, when a family member makes you angry, your immediate response might be to lash out. However, impulse control allows you to pause and assess whether that's really the best course of action in the long run. Delaying gratification and controlling our urges allows us to choose actions that align with our best intentions. 2. Sit with discomfort. Similar to the ...