Intention of the day: Despite how it may self-sabotage me constantly, I must forgive my mind. Feeling anything other than love and forgiveness is a waste of energy - negativity is not needed within me.
Morning writing: These lessons about anxiety are coming at the perfect time, since I'm about to get my period. My PMDD is always horrible starting in week 3 and usually climaxes with me raging about something a day or two before my period... and then I get my period and I'm back to a normal human. But I digress... so yesterday I was a prime example of what not to do. I think that since I have been more cognizant of my mind's reactionary tendencies, I was able to keep my cool better than I normally would have. When I was talking to the boy yesterday he didn't want to do the thing that I wanted to do. I was disappointed but I didn't flip out. I said I would do the thing on my own. Unfortunately, he was more used to me flipping out about this sort of thing and reacted the way he does when I get mad - he stops responding to me. And then I really did flip out because I just hate being ignored by him. So my history of bad behavior caused him to act in a way that brought out the bad behavior anyway. That's not good. He will have to trust that I am growing and changing and I will talk to him about that. I really do feel that I am making progress.
To make things worse, this negative cloud happened to me at the end of the work day. When something went wrong at work, I had an overly negative reaction and I know it affected some of my colleagues. I feel like maybe some apologies may in order today...
A line in the lesson today that resonates: "Who would you be if your mind and negative emotions were less substantial, less able to color your lens?" If I had more control over how I was reacting yesterday, I would have kept my cool. I would have ignored him right back and not let him affect how I was feeling. This is a lot easier to do in hind sight. My bestie is a lot better at this than I am. She always knows how to handle her man when he's being an ass lol. I am starting to wonder if it is because she takes birth control and her hormones are more regulated than mine. I know its hormones that makes my mind weaker to the negative thoughts. It's hard to stop it once it starts. Rome wasn't built in a day, and I forgive my mind for not being perfect and I know this is a process.
Morning writing: These lessons about anxiety are coming at the perfect time, since I'm about to get my period. My PMDD is always horrible starting in week 3 and usually climaxes with me raging about something a day or two before my period... and then I get my period and I'm back to a normal human. But I digress... so yesterday I was a prime example of what not to do. I think that since I have been more cognizant of my mind's reactionary tendencies, I was able to keep my cool better than I normally would have. When I was talking to the boy yesterday he didn't want to do the thing that I wanted to do. I was disappointed but I didn't flip out. I said I would do the thing on my own. Unfortunately, he was more used to me flipping out about this sort of thing and reacted the way he does when I get mad - he stops responding to me. And then I really did flip out because I just hate being ignored by him. So my history of bad behavior caused him to act in a way that brought out the bad behavior anyway. That's not good. He will have to trust that I am growing and changing and I will talk to him about that. I really do feel that I am making progress.
To make things worse, this negative cloud happened to me at the end of the work day. When something went wrong at work, I had an overly negative reaction and I know it affected some of my colleagues. I feel like maybe some apologies may in order today...
A line in the lesson today that resonates: "Who would you be if your mind and negative emotions were less substantial, less able to color your lens?" If I had more control over how I was reacting yesterday, I would have kept my cool. I would have ignored him right back and not let him affect how I was feeling. This is a lot easier to do in hind sight. My bestie is a lot better at this than I am. She always knows how to handle her man when he's being an ass lol. I am starting to wonder if it is because she takes birth control and her hormones are more regulated than mine. I know its hormones that makes my mind weaker to the negative thoughts. It's hard to stop it once it starts. Rome wasn't built in a day, and I forgive my mind for not being perfect and I know this is a process.
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