My Head Is Fucked Up

Intention of the day: Remember that reality is a construct of the human mind - I can create my own reality because if I believe it, then it can happen. Morning writing: We're in the home stretch - only 10 lessons left after today! I don't really know what my plan is to continue my morning journaling. I might mix it up a bit more and just do stream of consciousness writing... because, as the lesson today states, expanding my consciousness MIGHT even save the world. On top of my witching book, yesterday I was doing a bit of research about brain waves and how the brain works. This is because of the whole stupid laurel/yandy thing (trying to explain to my friends that yandy is a compression artifact and the your brain only hears it because you want to) but also because of an email I got about a new light therapy at Modrn Sanctuary. It mentioned that this therapy helps you achieve high Alpha and reach Theta levels. When I looked this up, I learned that our electric activity in our...

Intention of the day: Meditate on releasing my need to be in control. Trust that things will all be taken care of by the Universe. Morning writing: I had a nice long meditation in my morning routine today. It's Friday and my boss is out for a vacay so if I'm a little late it's not a big deal. Besides, things will all be taken care of by the Universe! I have had control issues for a while. Insecurity makes you want to try to control everything that you can, as a defense mechanism. You think that if you control how people act or where they go, then they will act and do whatever you want and you will not get hurt. This is unhealthy and simply not possible. I can't control anything except for myself, my actions, and my reactions. My relationship with my ex was toxic because I wanted to control him. I wanted him to be the perfect version of himself that was inside my head. But that person isn't real and the real guy didn't want to be that perfect self, for whatever...

Intention of the day: Remember that if I feel resentment coming up, I must simply remember that forgiveness is an ongoing state of mind. It must be practiced daily. Morning writing: This is a good concept, because sometimes you can fall into old patterns. When that happens, I have to focus on forgiving, rather than beating myself up for getting back into bad habits. Transformation is not an overnight activity and I will make mistakes. What is important is recognizing when they are happening and doing what I can to change them or prevent them from happening again. It's kind of like when you're on a diet. If you have a slip up and eat chocolate all day, there is no point in beating yourself up... just get back at it tomorrow. I can forgive myself for forgetting to forgive! After all, I'm a Taurus. This wont be easy but as long as the effort is there, I have no anxiety about it. Tarot card of the day: The Lovers VI (love, union, relationships, values alignment, choices)

Intention of the day: Forgive the little things. Don't let the outside world affect my mood. Morning writing: These days, in this political climate, there is a lot that I cannot forgive. There are things that I am currently unwilling to let go of, when it comes to seeing horrible stories on the news like children being massacred at school, racist bigotry, rampant sexual harassment... I could go on but I won't. I realize that holding onto this negative energy is bad for me, but I have my morals and these things are not okay. But as an individual there isn't a ton I can do about those things aside from wasting time online posting comments arguing with alt-right losers. Instead I'll focus this lesson on forgiving the little things - the inconsiderate passenger on my morning commute. My coworker acting like a jerk. These sort of things do affect my mood usually, and I shouldn't let them. Other people are dealing with their own shit and if I forgive these small indiscr...

Intention of the day: Start to let go of past transgressions that still affect me today. Morning writing: This is no easy task for a stubborn Taurus like me who holds a LOT of grudges. In fact, I love holding a grudge when I think someone deserves it. But today's reading explained the other side of this - by holding a grudge or not forgiving a part of my past will only limit me. I need to be able to embrace my whole self and that includes some negative. By letting go of the past I can be free to fly higher in the future. I think that it's really interesting that this was the lesson today. I have been hanging out with a new guy the past two days. Yesterday I pulled the Moon in my daily tarot and thought this meant that I would experience anxiety at my date with him that evening. I talked to my best friend and she had a different interpretation: that I need to let go of my anxieties so that I can go into this relationship fresh. She was right, and this lesson is right. I had a ...

Intention of the day: Do not skip the meditation. Ever. Even if it's just 60 seconds, bringing some peace and stillness to the mind in a conscious way is very beneficial to me. Give my inner light time to shine! Morning writing: Today's lesson reminded the importance of taking time to meditate and appreciate the stillness of the mind. It is calming and helps me feel connected to the world and the universe. When I skipped meditations this past weekend, I was not in a good space. I don't want to feel like that again! I did a quick meditation to show myself that I am keeping my agreement, even though I'm running a little late. Tarot card of the day: XVIII The Moon (illusion, fear, anxiety, insecurity, subconscious)

Intention of the day: This is my usual mode of operation. I don't make promises that I don't intend to keep... at least with other people. So I must focus more on following through with promises I make to myself. Morning writing: I have definitely broken promises in my life. But when it comes to breaking promises with other people, I have to have a good reason or I'll be filled with guilt. However, I make plenty of promises and agreements with my inner self that get broken all the time. My planner is filled with repeated goals that I still haven't gotten around to, like getting new running shoes so I can start working out again. I need to prioritize myself and my promises to myself over everyone else. If I don't keep promises to myself I can't trust myself, and that will cause anxiety. This is how we learn! I spent a good part of my morning reading The Gifts of Imperfection: Your Guide to a Wholehearted Life. I read it about half way so far and I like the me...

Intention for the day: Know that every agreement and commitment that I make will affect me internally and will affect karma externally. Morning writing: I liked the concept of this lesson, that each agreement made to myself can affect me mentally. If I don't keep my promises to myself, I can't trust myself. If I can't trust myself, anxiety grows within, which then affects my relationships and even the universe! Kind of high stakes. But the lesson also described agreements like seeds, they need to be nurtured so they can grow and reach their goals. I need to tend my garden by taking the steps needed to start working out. I feel like that is the main topic that I always break my promises to myself about. Tarot card of the day: XX Judgement (judgment, rebirth, inner calling, absolution)

Intention of the day: My whole self is much more than my mind. I strive to be more aware of my entire body and how it perceives the world around me. Morning writing: This concept is a bit more abstract and difficult. I meditated on it for several minutes to try and 'hear' things with my body. Can my kneecaps hear that bird in the sky? Can my back hear the hum of the bathroom vent? This is less literal and more about using my entire body to feel all sensations. To get OUT of my head and more into my entire self. The lesson acknowledged that this is not simple and people should practice this meditation while doing any kind of stationary activity... like my morning commute! Maybe today (if I get a seat on the train) I will listen to a guided meditation and then afterwards focus on hearing with my body.

Intention of the day: Remember that while my anxieties are an attempt at self-preservation, I don't have to listen. My mind isn't always right when it thinks its detecting a threat, especially in my personal relationships. The lesson states, "...it tends to err on the side of caution - seeing such patterns where they don't actually exist." Morning writing: I had a nice meditation today. I think this lesson is also very important for me, as I often fall victim to my anxieties. I usually end up spending a lot of time worrying about things that COULD potentially happen, even when it's a ridiculous hypothetical. This is a terrible thing to do - it wastes my energy on anxiety, makes me sad and ends up causing me to have arguments with people that I love. I need to remember that I can't control everything, and that's okay. It's also okay to be uncomfortable. It's okay to not know everything that's going on. It's important to remember that t...

Intention of the day: Let my body be my sanctuary where I can regain my strength and feel grounded. Let my emotions be real but not control my entire self and not affect my entire day. Morning writing: This one is difficult for me. I get emotional very easily. I treat this with my self-medication to help me keep my cool. But as evidenced by the existence of this blog, I'm still not entirely "together." I understand what the book is TRYING to say, but I think I already feel all my emotions pretty well. So I delved deeper into the secondary message of today's ritual: my body is my rock. My body is a constant, silent warrior where my crazy head sits on top. If I need to get out of a bad head space or calm my incessant inner monologue, I can use my new meditation techniques to regain my strength and composure. The bigger issue is acknowledging when my thoughts are becoming toxic, and being cognizant of the tools I have to change my tune.

Intention of the day: Practice self-love. Love my body, love my mind, love myself for handling as much as I can in my current situation. Morning writing: I know I'm not perfect. Things don't always go my way, or work out how I'd hoped. My body isn't in perfect shape - something I acknowledge every morning before my shower. But I think it's looking a little better than it was around the holidays. I haven't weighed myself so I can't say for sure. However, as part of my new morning routine in 2018, I have been practicing self-love in the mirror. Haha that sounds dirty, it's not. I stand in the mirror and tell myself that I love myself, and give myself a pep talk about whatever negative thing is affecting me that day. I find that actually speaking aloud (ok I usually whisper) my self-love pep talk each morning makes it more real. I look myself in the eye in the mirror and maintain eye contact while I whisper. Isn't it funny how something that probably ...

Update: Yeah it's been a while. Yeah my head is still fucked up. Probably more than ever, because my ex contacted me just after October and we've been hanging out again. It's not a relationship, it's complicated, it's friends with benefits, it's whatever. We have great sex. I think we have actually been growing as friends. But who knows what goes on in his head, because I'm pretty sure he's just as nuts as me... if not more. I can't expect a relationship out of this guy. Anyway, I have also been working on myself despite this probable lapse in judgement (again). The new year always inspires me to work on self improvement. It's easy to start fresh with a new planner and journal and be ready to make some changes. Hopefully they stick! For 2018 I picked up three books: The Simple Elephant planner, The Radical Self Love Almanac and Rituals for Transformation . My goal for the future is to feel more in control of my life, gain independence, and ...

Today I'm bored at work. As I search social media for interesting articles to share for work, I often come across interesting articles about mental health. I usually hone in on articles about stress, self confidence and emotional resilience. I felt that this article, "How to Be Better at Stress" was very interesting and extensive. https://www.nytimes.com/guides/well/how-to-deal-with-stress The article goes over many different strategies that can help people cope with stress in their lives. I'm going to just review the section titles and evaluate where I'm at on these topics. Perception of Stress: This topic is regarding how you think about the stress at hand. Do I view it in a way that makes it seem insurmountable? Am I thinking about how the stress is making me feel worse? Instead of dwelling on the stress, its better to try to put a positive spin on the situation, because thinking negatively will only make it worse. The hard part here is identifyin...

Forcing myself to check in and post something at least once a day. I didn't hear back from the inquiry I sent to ICP over the weekend. Maybe I should just call them. I want to get this therapy thing going. Today I went back to work so I didn't spend the day in bed feeling sorry for myself. Unfortunately since that's what I did yesterday, my back was aching due to inertia. I need to stop doing that. If I don't move around my spinal injury acts up - this always happens. When will I learn? I need to commit harder to exercise every day. Despite the pain I went to work, normal routine. I missed my ex and we texted briefly. I still think we should get back together. I don't think mental illness is a good reason to break up. But my dependency issues need to be addressed. I'm trying to figure it out. He's staying in touch which is nice. I'm trying to remind myself that there's a possibility that he won't be back. Sigh... But that shouldn't matt...

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-13698/10-habits-of-emotionally-resilient-people.html Blogger's Note: I got this list from the above website. But I'm going to copy it here so I can read it more easily and try to remember these things because they really hit home for me. Here are ten things that emotionally resilient people do when faced with a difficult situation: 1. Wait for what's right instead of acting on what you want right now. Yup, just like the classic  Stanford marshmallow experiment , this is about impulse control — the ability to stop and consider whether you want to act on a desire. For example, when a family member makes you angry, your immediate response might be to lash out. However, impulse control allows you to pause and assess whether that's really the best course of action in the long run. Delaying gratification and controlling our urges allows us to choose actions that align with our best intentions. 2. Sit with discomfort. Similar to the ...

I made this blog because I think I need to... I wanted to make it anonymous but I don't know how and maybe I should stop being so worried about hiding my mental illness. Problem is I don't know what it is. OK that's definitely not the only problem. I have a lot of problems. I don't know how to deal with them, and I don't currently have health insurance anyway. My boyfriend broke up with me yesterday. We had started dating around my birthday, when we got back together after having broken up last July. Apparently we only last 3 months in the spring and then he dumps me in July. It's literally the same exact thing that happened last year. I don't know why I expected a different outcome, but I'm in love with him and you do really stupid shit when you're in love. He said that he needed to leave because of mental illness. He too has some sort of personality disorder, and we fought constantly. We fought to the point of crying most of the time. I always ...