My Head Is Fucked Up

Intention of the day: Do not let my insecurities stop me from doing the things I want to do. Morning writing: I am always thinking to myself. I don't know if everyone does this, but I have that kind of "Wonder Years" inner monologue going most of the time. Not talking in third person or anything, but 'Kevin' really doesn't shut up. (Note to self: Find Wonder Years and binge watch it.) Sometimes the thoughts in my head turn insecure. OK a lot of the time. Insecurity is my go-to emotion when things don't go my way, about to do something with an uncertain outcome, or when I just don't know how else to react. Is that because of society? Hormones? My personal experiences? Probably all of the above. It makes me shy and sometimes this stops me from doing something that I'd otherwise want to do. For example, when there's a cute guy at work, I'll avoid talking to him at all costs... even though he's probably the only person I actually want to ...

Intention of the day: Let my body be my sanctuary where I can regain my strength and feel grounded. Let my emotions be real but not control my entire self and not affect my entire day. Morning writing: This one is difficult for me. I get emotional very easily. I treat this with my self-medication to help me keep my cool. But as evidenced by the existence of this blog, I'm still not entirely "together." I understand what the book is TRYING to say, but I think I already feel all my emotions pretty well. So I delved deeper into the secondary message of today's ritual: my body is my rock. My body is a constant, silent warrior where my crazy head sits on top. If I need to get out of a bad head space or calm my incessant inner monologue, I can use my new meditation techniques to regain my strength and composure. The bigger issue is acknowledging when my thoughts are becoming toxic, and being cognizant of the tools I have to change my tune.

Intention of the Day: Stretching my body is vitally important and I must remember to add at least 2 yoga poses to my morning ritual. Morning writing: I do love yoga. And I haven't been doing it. And then today my Rituals for Transformation reminds me that my body feels good when it's moving and stretching. It's definitely true. Especially with my current sciatica situation, it's kind of stupid that I haven't been doing it daily already. I must start adding at least two simple yoga poses to my morning ritual. I will start doing a sun salutation and downward facing dog every morning, just to stretch me out for my commute and to get my body moving. I know I'm not the type to do aerobics at 5am, but a little yoga at 6:45 isn't asking that much. Plus it's likely that it will lead to an overall better well being!

Intention of the day: Relish in the life that I am given with this body. Relish the pain and exhaustion of exercise and remember that these are moments that really make you feel alive. Morning writing: I write this as I sit in my bed, as this task of reflection and meditation has become part of my morning ritual. Next I plan to moisturize my whole body, which definitely aligns with today's topic! I took a few moments to meditate as well. This time I just thought about nothing. That's ok too right? I think so. I should also make a bigger effort to do a few yoga poses in the morning too. My body is my temple and I must treat it as such.

Intention of the day: Remember that my body is mine and if I want to love myself, I need to love every part of me. Morning writing: I did the recommended meditation, focusing on each body part and feeling it radiate with love. It was very calming. If I didn't have to get ready for work I would probably go back to sleep. I need to try to meditate more. Anyway, as I have been discussing this week, my body is my vessel and it's doing the best it can. It will do better if I treat it better. It will do better if I'm happy and filled with self love. So no more body bullying, shaming, or hating.

Intention of the Day: I must accept my body and forgive it's shortcomings. Morning writing: To accept my body as it is would be to feel relief. I must stop judging myself for my genetics. Yes, there's more that can be done to improve. There's always more to be done. But I should forgive myself for not being perfect. Besides, perfect people enjoy kale. They can't really love themselves lol! I'm not about that life. I like cheeseburgers. I can't do anything about my injury, so why must I say "I hate my spine!" when I'm suffering chronic pain? That negative statement isn't going to do me any good. I accept that I am injured. My body is aging and this is how things go. I'm still able to get around and go to the places that I want thanks to my injured body, and I must be more grateful.

Intention of the day: My physical being may be aging, tired and fallible, but the Spirit inside me has no limit. Morning writing: As someone who struggles with a chronic injury, I know this fight all too well. In years past I have thought to myself that I hate my body. I hate my spine. I hate not being able to do everything that I want to do. But I must remember that I can make my body stronger, more able to handle the hardships of physical limitations. Why is that? Because my Spirit is my real strength. When I stay focused and determined, I can accomplish almost anything. I must make peace with my body by helping it to perform it's best. I need to start a regular exercise schedule to help condition my body so it can be better supported. This isn't that hard!

Intention of the day: Practice self-love. Love my body, love my mind, love myself for handling as much as I can in my current situation. Morning writing: I know I'm not perfect. Things don't always go my way, or work out how I'd hoped. My body isn't in perfect shape - something I acknowledge every morning before my shower. But I think it's looking a little better than it was around the holidays. I haven't weighed myself so I can't say for sure. However, as part of my new morning routine in 2018, I have been practicing self-love in the mirror. Haha that sounds dirty, it's not. I stand in the mirror and tell myself that I love myself, and give myself a pep talk about whatever negative thing is affecting me that day. I find that actually speaking aloud (ok I usually whisper) my self-love pep talk each morning makes it more real. I look myself in the eye in the mirror and maintain eye contact while I whisper. Isn't it funny how something that probably ...

Intention for the day: Must find a more suitable host body. (LOL jk.) Allow my vessel to take me to the best experiences in life that I can attain. Evening reflections: I had been avoiding this assignment for a few days. I don't know how to meditate on this concept. I acknowledge that my spirit is not confined to my body, and my body is a mere tool for my spirit to engage with the world. I must focus more on the world around me and how my human experience can take it all in. Through life experiences, my spirit can grow. With this in mind, I very much look forward to the beauty event that I am going to with my friend next weekend. We will be sampling many different modern sanctuary experiences, like crystal light therapy and a salt room... and it should be a lot of fun. I'll report back on that soon!

Yee-haw! I went on a trip to far-away San Antonio, TX all by myself and lived to tell the tale. I had hoped that my hotel room might be haunted, but alas it wasn't. That was really the only disappointment from the Menger Hotel, because I really enjoyed my stay. The hotel was right by the Alamo, and very close to the convention center, so kudos to me for picking a good spot once again. I love picking out hotels when I go on trips. I should mention that I had serious anxiety about flying to Texas. I hadn't been on a plane in a few years and definitely psyched myself out. I was extremely airsick on the flight down to Texas. More sick than I had ever been on a plane that I can remember. Part of the problem was that I had a drink before the flight instead of taking Dramamine. All my friends had suggested having a drink and the flight was at 6pm so I figured maybe I'd be okay. But I really felt sick right from the start and kept running to the bathroom... maybe 6 times. At ...

Intention for the day: I am not limited by my body's abilities. The issues within my body do not define me. Evening reflection: On a day like today, my body is in pain. The rainy weather awoke sciatica stings all the way down my leg and I felt it during my entire commute. Being cramped in a standing room only train car makes good posture impossible. It's too humiliating to ask for a disabled designated seat; I can handle it. It hurts but I'll be okay. And then just grab the first actual seat that comes available. My body might not be perfect, and I certainly need to work on it a bit more, but I am strong enough to power through the pain.

Intention for the Day: To worship my body like a temple. slather my skin with nice smelling creams, stretch my muscles with yoga, breathe the cold morning air with my lungs, and appreciate the freedom that my body gives me. Morning Meditation: My body is far from perfect. But most people think they don't have perfect bodies and there is no shame in that. Everyone has room for improvement. Obviously my body has a few kinks, but it still takes me everywhere I need to go. My body allows me to enjoy the things that I like, hang out with my friends, pet my cat, play music, feel the weather outside... I love my body, despite it's issues and I am extremely thankful that I was able to go on my trip without issue. I felt strong and healthy as I walked during my sightseeing. I am grateful that I was able to have an enjoyable trip without any issues with my back, leg, knee, etc.

Update: Yeah it's been a while. Yeah my head is still fucked up. Probably more than ever, because my ex contacted me just after October and we've been hanging out again. It's not a relationship, it's complicated, it's friends with benefits, it's whatever. We have great sex. I think we have actually been growing as friends. But who knows what goes on in his head, because I'm pretty sure he's just as nuts as me... if not more. I can't expect a relationship out of this guy. Anyway, I have also been working on myself despite this probable lapse in judgement (again). The new year always inspires me to work on self improvement. It's easy to start fresh with a new planner and journal and be ready to make some changes. Hopefully they stick! For 2018 I picked up three books: The Simple Elephant planner, The Radical Self Love Almanac and Rituals for Transformation . My goal for the future is to feel more in control of my life, gain independence, and ...