Skip to main content

Yes I'm Crazy But I'm Working On It

Update: Yeah it's been a while. Yeah my head is still fucked up. Probably more than ever, because my ex contacted me just after October and we've been hanging out again. It's not a relationship, it's complicated, it's friends with benefits, it's whatever. We have great sex. I think we have actually been growing as friends. But who knows what goes on in his head, because I'm pretty sure he's just as nuts as me... if not more. I can't expect a relationship out of this guy.

Anyway, I have also been working on myself despite this probable lapse in judgement (again). The new year always inspires me to work on self improvement. It's easy to start fresh with a new planner and journal and be ready to make some changes. Hopefully they stick!

For 2018 I picked up three books: The Simple Elephant planner, The Radical Self Love Almanac and Rituals for Transformation. My goal for the future is to feel more in control of my life, gain independence, and be happier being me. I haven't found a therapist yet (even though I keep saying I should) but I think this could be a self-help method I can do for now to get me started.

The Simple Elephant is a basic non-dated planner with an area to set goals and mindmap. Here is what I came up with for My Focus. (I determined the categories on my own.)

  • Health:
    • Join a Gym
    • Improve Sciatica
    • Learn to Rollerblade
  • Finance:
    • Manage Student Loans
    • Commit to Saving Regularly
    • Analyze Spending
  • Career:
    • Consider Series 57 License
    • Cannabis Industry?
    • "Alternative" Ideas
  • Friendships:
    • Make an Effort to Hang Out
    • Join a Band or Singing Group
  • Personal:
    • Renew Passport
    • Learn ASL
    • Try Acupuncture
    • Get New Glasses
Some of these seem easier to obtain than others, yes. I like to have a nice mix of long term dreams and easy goals. That way some things I can check off without much stress, and still have things to work towards. Through the planner you have space to focus on a certain goal for the week or month and it should help me stay on track.

The Radical Self Love Almanac also will help me to set goals while learning to love myself. This book is full of affirmations and ideas to inspire and ignite my spirit. Each month has fun ideas and an activity sheet to think about what to focus on each month. 

In the RSL Almanac, the word I chose to embody in January is Odyssey. I am going on a trip to a new city next week where I will be co-hosting another installment of my gameshow at a geek convention in Texas. I'll be flying alone, staying a [haunted!!] hotel alone, and just doing my own thing in a strange place all weekend. I will be forced to be strong, brave and independent. Sometimes I need a kick in the ass to get going. (I'll bring my chromebook so I'll try to blog while I'm there.)

For those who don't know: I hate flying. And flying alone is much worse. But it's the only way to get anywhere good! I have flown alone before and survived. Usually I have someone dropping me off and/or waiting for me at the airport, but this time around I'll be mostly on my own. I'm considering it like a business trip. Important videogame business. 

The RSL Almanac had me take an online quiz to discover my driving force, my core desired feeling. The result was: Growth. This is a pretty good answer, but I came up with some of my own as well.
  • Strength
  • Independence
  • Beauty
  • Intelligence
  • Respect
  • Power
These are the feelings I want in my life. The forces that can inspire me to be my best me. I will try to use these words to help me stay on track with my goal of self love!!

There were also some ideas for things to do in winter in the RSL Almanac. I'll strive to: Pledge to wear lipstick every day; Say "I love you" in the mirror each morning; and Slather myself in delicious scented moisturizer at night.

Lastly, the Rituals for Transformation. So far I only read the explanatory introduction section. This book is set up to be a "108 Day Journey to Your Sacred Life." It contains a daily 'lesson' with writing space to journal in after meditating on the topic of the day. I showed this to my friend and she remarked that there probably wasn't enough writing space and I agreed! So I am going to use this blog to explore the Rituals for Transformation journey. I plan to start the book after my trip so I don't have to lug the hardcover book on the airplane. 

Bottom line: I know I'm still making some mistakes in life and I definitely have my weaknesses. But I'm sick of beating myself up over them every day. Sick of fighting back tears. I want to fight for my inner strength instead. These books are the tools I will use to stay focused and inspired to self improve. I'm excited to start my journey!

PS - I contacted a few singing groups and I'm getting some auditions lined up. Not getting my hopes up yet, but it's a fun idea!
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Day 62: I release the world from my control

Intention of the day: Meditate on releasing my need to be in control. Trust that things will all be taken care of by the Universe. Morning writing: I had a nice long meditation in my morning routine today. It's Friday and my boss is out for a vacay so if I'm a little late it's not a big deal. Besides, things will all be taken care of by the Universe! I have had control issues for a while. Insecurity makes you want to try to control everything that you can, as a defense mechanism. You think that if you control how people act or where they go, then they will act and do whatever you want and you will not get hurt. This is unhealthy and simply not possible. I can't control anything except for myself, my actions, and my reactions. My relationship with my ex was toxic because I wanted to control him. I wanted him to be the perfect version of himself that was inside my head. But that person isn't real and the real guy didn't want to be that perfect self, for whatever...
Post a Comment
Read more

Day 108: I am the One who is experiencing itself as all of creation

Intention of the day: Always remember that I am made of the same divine light as the rest of the Universe. We are all of one, and one is within us all. Morning writing: I made it! The book is complete. This is the final lesson. It's a bit of a reiteration of some previous lessons but still a good one to end on. Remember that I am made of the same energy as other people. As the trees and animals, and inanimate objects too. This planet is made of atoms just like I am. This Universe is composed of atoms. If you zoom out far enough... this Universe looks like an atom. We are all the same oneness, energy and light. It is always moving and changing as it works to stay in balance. That is the yin and yang of this energy, the magnetism of it. There will always be bad with good, that's part of the balance. Without motion there is no life. So now the book is over. I am not sure if this blog will continue as frequently, we'll just see how that goes. I will try to check in, but I m...
Post a Comment
Read more

Day 10: I invite myself to fully experience everything I feel

Intention of the day: Let my body be my sanctuary where I can regain my strength and feel grounded. Let my emotions be real but not control my entire self and not affect my entire day. Morning writing: This one is difficult for me. I get emotional very easily. I treat this with my self-medication to help me keep my cool. But as evidenced by the existence of this blog, I'm still not entirely "together." I understand what the book is TRYING to say, but I think I already feel all my emotions pretty well. So I delved deeper into the secondary message of today's ritual: my body is my rock. My body is a constant, silent warrior where my crazy head sits on top. If I need to get out of a bad head space or calm my incessant inner monologue, I can use my new meditation techniques to regain my strength and composure. The bigger issue is acknowledging when my thoughts are becoming toxic, and being cognizant of the tools I have to change my tune.
Post a Comment
Read more