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Yes I'm Crazy But I'm Working On It

Update: Yeah it's been a while. Yeah my head is still fucked up. Probably more than ever, because my ex contacted me just after October and we've been hanging out again. It's not a relationship, it's complicated, it's friends with benefits, it's whatever. We have great sex. I think we have actually been growing as friends. But who knows what goes on in his head, because I'm pretty sure he's just as nuts as me... if not more. I can't expect a relationship out of this guy.

Anyway, I have also been working on myself despite this probable lapse in judgement (again). The new year always inspires me to work on self improvement. It's easy to start fresh with a new planner and journal and be ready to make some changes. Hopefully they stick!

For 2018 I picked up three books: The Simple Elephant planner, The Radical Self Love Almanac and Rituals for Transformation. My goal for the future is to feel more in control of my life, gain independence, and be happier being me. I haven't found a therapist yet (even though I keep saying I should) but I think this could be a self-help method I can do for now to get me started.

The Simple Elephant is a basic non-dated planner with an area to set goals and mindmap. Here is what I came up with for My Focus. (I determined the categories on my own.)

  • Health:
    • Join a Gym
    • Improve Sciatica
    • Learn to Rollerblade
  • Finance:
    • Manage Student Loans
    • Commit to Saving Regularly
    • Analyze Spending
  • Career:
    • Consider Series 57 License
    • Cannabis Industry?
    • "Alternative" Ideas
  • Friendships:
    • Make an Effort to Hang Out
    • Join a Band or Singing Group
  • Personal:
    • Renew Passport
    • Learn ASL
    • Try Acupuncture
    • Get New Glasses
Some of these seem easier to obtain than others, yes. I like to have a nice mix of long term dreams and easy goals. That way some things I can check off without much stress, and still have things to work towards. Through the planner you have space to focus on a certain goal for the week or month and it should help me stay on track.

The Radical Self Love Almanac also will help me to set goals while learning to love myself. This book is full of affirmations and ideas to inspire and ignite my spirit. Each month has fun ideas and an activity sheet to think about what to focus on each month. 

In the RSL Almanac, the word I chose to embody in January is Odyssey. I am going on a trip to a new city next week where I will be co-hosting another installment of my gameshow at a geek convention in Texas. I'll be flying alone, staying a [haunted!!] hotel alone, and just doing my own thing in a strange place all weekend. I will be forced to be strong, brave and independent. Sometimes I need a kick in the ass to get going. (I'll bring my chromebook so I'll try to blog while I'm there.)

For those who don't know: I hate flying. And flying alone is much worse. But it's the only way to get anywhere good! I have flown alone before and survived. Usually I have someone dropping me off and/or waiting for me at the airport, but this time around I'll be mostly on my own. I'm considering it like a business trip. Important videogame business. 

The RSL Almanac had me take an online quiz to discover my driving force, my core desired feeling. The result was: Growth. This is a pretty good answer, but I came up with some of my own as well.
  • Strength
  • Independence
  • Beauty
  • Intelligence
  • Respect
  • Power
These are the feelings I want in my life. The forces that can inspire me to be my best me. I will try to use these words to help me stay on track with my goal of self love!!

There were also some ideas for things to do in winter in the RSL Almanac. I'll strive to: Pledge to wear lipstick every day; Say "I love you" in the mirror each morning; and Slather myself in delicious scented moisturizer at night.

Lastly, the Rituals for Transformation. So far I only read the explanatory introduction section. This book is set up to be a "108 Day Journey to Your Sacred Life." It contains a daily 'lesson' with writing space to journal in after meditating on the topic of the day. I showed this to my friend and she remarked that there probably wasn't enough writing space and I agreed! So I am going to use this blog to explore the Rituals for Transformation journey. I plan to start the book after my trip so I don't have to lug the hardcover book on the airplane. 

Bottom line: I know I'm still making some mistakes in life and I definitely have my weaknesses. But I'm sick of beating myself up over them every day. Sick of fighting back tears. I want to fight for my inner strength instead. These books are the tools I will use to stay focused and inspired to self improve. I'm excited to start my journey!

PS - I contacted a few singing groups and I'm getting some auditions lined up. Not getting my hopes up yet, but it's a fun idea!
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