I made this blog because I think I need to... I wanted to make it anonymous but I don't know how and maybe I should stop being so worried about hiding my mental illness. Problem is I don't know what it is. OK that's definitely not the only problem. I have a lot of problems. I don't know how to deal with them, and I don't currently have health insurance anyway.
My boyfriend broke up with me yesterday. We had started dating around my birthday, when we got back together after having broken up last July. Apparently we only last 3 months in the spring and then he dumps me in July. It's literally the same exact thing that happened last year. I don't know why I expected a different outcome, but I'm in love with him and you do really stupid shit when you're in love.
He said that he needed to leave because of mental illness. He too has some sort of personality disorder, and we fought constantly. We fought to the point of crying most of the time. I always took that as us both caring so much that we got very emotional. He perceived crying as a sign that we do not belong together.
The incidents leading up to him leaving me are no big surprise. I had been upset with him because he had bought tickets for a music festival that was weekend long and he was going with his friends. He bought the tickets before we had gotten back together. He is planning to do lots of psychedelic drugs at this excursion. We do these drugs once in a while, but it made me uncomfortable to think he was going to do this with his friends without me. I was sad that he didn't try to get me a ticket or include me. When I confronted him about why I was upset, he would lash out saying that he has every right to go away with his friends for a weekend. He's not wrong.
I come from a... different lifestyle than most people. This is because I don't have a true best friend. Someone I've known my whole life. Or someone who considers ME their best friend. I don't really have that in my life. I have some friends that I'm very close with, and I do consider them besties. But they have other friends that they are closer with than me. So I don't really know what that lifelong best friend connection is like. My family life isn't great either, so I tend to latch onto someone that I want to be with. I guess this is unhealthy behavior. Then if they want to do something else with someone else, I take it very personally.
So my boyfriend and I were already arguing about that weekend trip coming up next month. We had had this type of fight the last time we dated - that time he was going on a month-long trip across country with his cousin. I get jealous when the person I care about wants to do fun things for a long time without me. Instead of being happy for them and wanting them to have a good time, I put up a fight and act like a child. This inevitably drives people away. Obviously. But I get in the heat of the moment and I cannot see reason. I get tunnel vision that I MUST GET MY WAY and if I don't, things usually implode.
On top of that, we were in the car driving home and he tells me that I can't go to his best friend's wedding coming up this fall. She did not allow him to bring a date. I flipped out. I had a panic attack. It was another situation where I was being left out. I know to an outsider reading this that I may seem like I'm being a baby, but my whole life I have been left out of things I want to do. Friends going on trips together without me. My family takes a family vacation to Disney without me every year. I have some kind of psychosis about being left out I think. Is it abandonment issues? I don't know.
When I had the panic attack about the wedding, my boyfriend couldn't handle it. He is depressed too, he recently is out of work and under a lot of stress. I was adding to his stress and he thinks I need to focus on improving myself before I can date anyone.
I wish I could find someone who would stay with me even when my mental illness takes over. I feel like I can't control it when my hormones rage from either PMS or just being on my period. I think my hormones, which I track on an app to try to predict when I'm going to have a bad mental health day, contribute to my issues directly. But when they are affecting me I don't know how to regain perspective and stop thinking irrationally. It takes a fight with him and crying before I realize what I've done. I was hurting him just as much as I was hurting myself. And now he's gone and my support system goes with him.
I need to rely more on friends. I need to find new friends, maybe people who are similar to me or who also are looking for a real best friend. I hate invading on other people's friendships. But if I rely on the person I'm dating to be my best friend, maybe it's too much pressure. Especially since my head is fucked up.
But it's not all gloom and doom. I know I need actual therapy. I googled free therapy in NYC and found one place ICP that does therapy on a sliding scale if you don't have insurance. So I'll see how much that would cost for me. I also found a group therapy website NAMI with meetings several times in the month. I'm a little intimidated by group therapy. I'd also like to have an actual diagnosis before showing up at a group therapy session and claiming I have problems.
Until then, I've decided I need to at least start blogging again. Get my thoughts out of my head where they are doing a lot of damage. So I'm sorry if you read this and know me and get upset by what I have to say. I'm trying to do this for my own good. Please communicate with me if how I act is making you mad. I clearly have issues and I don't know how to act. I'm willing to take any and all advice at this point. My head is fucked up and it's ruining my personal relationships.
My boyfriend broke up with me yesterday. We had started dating around my birthday, when we got back together after having broken up last July. Apparently we only last 3 months in the spring and then he dumps me in July. It's literally the same exact thing that happened last year. I don't know why I expected a different outcome, but I'm in love with him and you do really stupid shit when you're in love.
He said that he needed to leave because of mental illness. He too has some sort of personality disorder, and we fought constantly. We fought to the point of crying most of the time. I always took that as us both caring so much that we got very emotional. He perceived crying as a sign that we do not belong together.
The incidents leading up to him leaving me are no big surprise. I had been upset with him because he had bought tickets for a music festival that was weekend long and he was going with his friends. He bought the tickets before we had gotten back together. He is planning to do lots of psychedelic drugs at this excursion. We do these drugs once in a while, but it made me uncomfortable to think he was going to do this with his friends without me. I was sad that he didn't try to get me a ticket or include me. When I confronted him about why I was upset, he would lash out saying that he has every right to go away with his friends for a weekend. He's not wrong.
I come from a... different lifestyle than most people. This is because I don't have a true best friend. Someone I've known my whole life. Or someone who considers ME their best friend. I don't really have that in my life. I have some friends that I'm very close with, and I do consider them besties. But they have other friends that they are closer with than me. So I don't really know what that lifelong best friend connection is like. My family life isn't great either, so I tend to latch onto someone that I want to be with. I guess this is unhealthy behavior. Then if they want to do something else with someone else, I take it very personally.
So my boyfriend and I were already arguing about that weekend trip coming up next month. We had had this type of fight the last time we dated - that time he was going on a month-long trip across country with his cousin. I get jealous when the person I care about wants to do fun things for a long time without me. Instead of being happy for them and wanting them to have a good time, I put up a fight and act like a child. This inevitably drives people away. Obviously. But I get in the heat of the moment and I cannot see reason. I get tunnel vision that I MUST GET MY WAY and if I don't, things usually implode.
On top of that, we were in the car driving home and he tells me that I can't go to his best friend's wedding coming up this fall. She did not allow him to bring a date. I flipped out. I had a panic attack. It was another situation where I was being left out. I know to an outsider reading this that I may seem like I'm being a baby, but my whole life I have been left out of things I want to do. Friends going on trips together without me. My family takes a family vacation to Disney without me every year. I have some kind of psychosis about being left out I think. Is it abandonment issues? I don't know.
When I had the panic attack about the wedding, my boyfriend couldn't handle it. He is depressed too, he recently is out of work and under a lot of stress. I was adding to his stress and he thinks I need to focus on improving myself before I can date anyone.
I wish I could find someone who would stay with me even when my mental illness takes over. I feel like I can't control it when my hormones rage from either PMS or just being on my period. I think my hormones, which I track on an app to try to predict when I'm going to have a bad mental health day, contribute to my issues directly. But when they are affecting me I don't know how to regain perspective and stop thinking irrationally. It takes a fight with him and crying before I realize what I've done. I was hurting him just as much as I was hurting myself. And now he's gone and my support system goes with him.
I need to rely more on friends. I need to find new friends, maybe people who are similar to me or who also are looking for a real best friend. I hate invading on other people's friendships. But if I rely on the person I'm dating to be my best friend, maybe it's too much pressure. Especially since my head is fucked up.
But it's not all gloom and doom. I know I need actual therapy. I googled free therapy in NYC and found one place ICP that does therapy on a sliding scale if you don't have insurance. So I'll see how much that would cost for me. I also found a group therapy website NAMI with meetings several times in the month. I'm a little intimidated by group therapy. I'd also like to have an actual diagnosis before showing up at a group therapy session and claiming I have problems.
Until then, I've decided I need to at least start blogging again. Get my thoughts out of my head where they are doing a lot of damage. So I'm sorry if you read this and know me and get upset by what I have to say. I'm trying to do this for my own good. Please communicate with me if how I act is making you mad. I clearly have issues and I don't know how to act. I'm willing to take any and all advice at this point. My head is fucked up and it's ruining my personal relationships.
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