Skip to main content

Breakup 3.0!

It should come as no surprise that this happened, but yesterday I ended things with the guy once again. This time it was MY decision and I don't expect to get back with him again. He did genuinely seem sad but I gave him multiple opportunities to save the relationship and he did not. I have come to realize that he does not love himself and so he can't open up to love someone else. I can't live my life waiting for him to be ready for me.

I kinda knew this already, going into this. Anyone knew that this would happen if you read my entire blog. But I kept giving him another chance because of how I feel about him. However, I've been on this self-love journey for almost two months and have come to realize that I need to be truer to myself. I can't put myself in this situation where I know I'm not getting what I want, and I'm at odds with my partner constantly because he refuses to be on the same page. It's ludicrous.

Saturday is when we began fighting. I wanted to hang out and he elected to hang with his friend instead. I pulled the Strength tarot card that day and took it to mean that I must be strong and not let his actions affect me. I did not meditate and I regret this. Sunday I wanted to make amends and he extended the fight through another day instead and we did not communicate. I pulled the Temperance tarot card on Sunday and interpreted that I must retain composure, be patient and keep my head on straight regardless of what was going on. Again, I did not meditate. I had plenty of time, I was off from work. I don't know what my problem was. Then yesterday I read more of my book The Gifts of Imperfection. I took the time to meditate. I pulled the Hermit card. Soul searching, inner guidance, being alone is what this card is meant to signify - and that is exactly how my morning had gone. Later on, he did reach out. He wanted to get dinner, but didn't want to hang out afterward. I was like, what is the problem? You don't want to spend 'alone time' with me. If you don't feel FUCK YEAH about me, I can't do this anymore. He said he doesn't feel FUCK YEAH about anything. I told him I was going to date other people.

Again, this isn't a big shock at this point. I'm sad but I guess it is inevitable when your partner refuses to put in their share of the effort. So I've kept my dating profile active this entire time, and had been talking to a guy recently who lives nearby. Turns out we went to high school together; he graduated a year ahead of me. He seems to be looking for the same things that I am, and did I mention he's good looking and we have a ton in common? He is eager to hang out. He is excited about me. This is what I need in life.

We made plans to go to a fondue restaurant that I like - somewhere that my ex would never have taken me to... This new guy seems like the kind of guy that I need in my life. Hopefully our date goes well tomorrow, wish me luck! I know it seems a bit soon, but I was never really WITH the ex since he refused to even say he was my boyfriend. So I'm not going to sulk around and let myself feel bad. I'm going back at it.

Ironically, I pulled the Lovers tarot card today. These tarot readings are starting to freak me out - they seem to pinpoint what is really on my mind the past few days. I think they are helping to guide me in the right direction, though. Thank you Lisa Frank tarot cards! lol
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Day 62: I release the world from my control

Intention of the day: Meditate on releasing my need to be in control. Trust that things will all be taken care of by the Universe. Morning writing: I had a nice long meditation in my morning routine today. It's Friday and my boss is out for a vacay so if I'm a little late it's not a big deal. Besides, things will all be taken care of by the Universe! I have had control issues for a while. Insecurity makes you want to try to control everything that you can, as a defense mechanism. You think that if you control how people act or where they go, then they will act and do whatever you want and you will not get hurt. This is unhealthy and simply not possible. I can't control anything except for myself, my actions, and my reactions. My relationship with my ex was toxic because I wanted to control him. I wanted him to be the perfect version of himself that was inside my head. But that person isn't real and the real guy didn't want to be that perfect self, for whatever...
Post a Comment
Read more

Day 108: I am the One who is experiencing itself as all of creation

Intention of the day: Always remember that I am made of the same divine light as the rest of the Universe. We are all of one, and one is within us all. Morning writing: I made it! The book is complete. This is the final lesson. It's a bit of a reiteration of some previous lessons but still a good one to end on. Remember that I am made of the same energy as other people. As the trees and animals, and inanimate objects too. This planet is made of atoms just like I am. This Universe is composed of atoms. If you zoom out far enough... this Universe looks like an atom. We are all the same oneness, energy and light. It is always moving and changing as it works to stay in balance. That is the yin and yang of this energy, the magnetism of it. There will always be bad with good, that's part of the balance. Without motion there is no life. So now the book is over. I am not sure if this blog will continue as frequently, we'll just see how that goes. I will try to check in, but I m...
Post a Comment
Read more

Day 10: I invite myself to fully experience everything I feel

Intention of the day: Let my body be my sanctuary where I can regain my strength and feel grounded. Let my emotions be real but not control my entire self and not affect my entire day. Morning writing: This one is difficult for me. I get emotional very easily. I treat this with my self-medication to help me keep my cool. But as evidenced by the existence of this blog, I'm still not entirely "together." I understand what the book is TRYING to say, but I think I already feel all my emotions pretty well. So I delved deeper into the secondary message of today's ritual: my body is my rock. My body is a constant, silent warrior where my crazy head sits on top. If I need to get out of a bad head space or calm my incessant inner monologue, I can use my new meditation techniques to regain my strength and composure. The bigger issue is acknowledging when my thoughts are becoming toxic, and being cognizant of the tools I have to change my tune.
Post a Comment
Read more